LARCHMONT, N.Y. — A man who has spent months ranting about crime in New York City appears to be sourcing all of his anecdotes from Marvel’s Spider-Man for PlayStation 4, local sources confirmed.
“The other day when I was downtown, I saw a bunch of thugs standing outside of a shop talking about how they were gonna break in,” said Adam Sutton, who said he never leaves Westchester despite telling multiple stories that took place in the city. “I swear, the stuff you see these days makes you want to web a guy to the wall, just like those backpacks you see everywhere. Society has totally degenerated.”
Sutton’s co-worker Eric LaRiviere, who noted he has visited New York on several occasions but would never want to live there, said he eventually noticed inconsistencies in the stories.
“Right away, the idea of the NYPD having a network of towers that can automatically detect and report crime didn’t ring true to me,” said LaRiviere. “I was even more skeptical when he told me that he had hacked into the towers so that he could personally track crimes throughout the city. Finally, he started going on about a mad scientist with four robot arms on his back, and I connected the dots. He must not have played the Miles Morales expansion, though, because he never brings up arms deals or cyberattacks. It’s too bad. I liked that better than the base game.”
Native New Yorker Sal Tesoriero says that he knew Sutton’s claims were fabricated right away.
“Listen, I’ve lived in this city my whole life. It’d take more than some stories from a video game to fool me,” said Tesoriero. “Right away, he started talking about the Village, but he kept calling it ‘Green-wich.’ When I asked him what he was even doing there in the first place, he said he was trying to get a picture of something called the ‘Sanctum Sanctorum.’ I know this town like the back of my hand and I’ve never heard of that place.”
Just before press time, New York City mayor Eric Adams held a press conference to announce the immediate closure of 14 library branches. He stated the money saved would provide funding for the NYPD to inspect the trunk of every car in the city following rumors of a spate of kidnappings.
