YOUR SISTER’S HOUSE — Close sources report that your 20-year reign as the family video game champion finally came to an end as, just this week, it was revealed that you struggled to compete with your nephew who vastly improved at Super Smash Bros. Ultimate since the last family get-together.
“I don’t know what happened. I mean, the last time I saw the kid, I could pick a random character and three-stock him while still holding a conversation,” you reportedly said to yourself, splashing your face with cold water while hiding in the bathroom after the match. “I knew something was up when he asked if he could set up custom controls. Then he turned off all the items and whooped me with the Minecraft guy. He should be banned!”
The fighting game savant, your 13-year-old nephew Aaron, said he spends hours after school honing his talents in the game with the hopes of “going pro” and competing for hundreds of dollars.
“I’ve got all the fundamentals down by now, you know — anvil shorthopping, redstone footstools, and [turbo anvil cancel options], so now I’m really focusing on the mental aspect,” explained your nephew, as he locked you placed some blocks, preventing you from grabbing the ledge as King K. Rool. “You’re such a scrub; you’re awful at neutral and you let me set up my zero-to-deaths on basically every stock. It’s kinda sad. I thought adults were good at stuff.”
At press time, those close to the information confirmed that you were muttering to yourself that you have a “grown-up job” that is way more important than a dumb Nintendo game.
