What’s up, lowlifes? It’s me, renowned old man, horror film director, and master of cheap tricks John Carpenter. Are you ready for another one of my classic teases? You know the drill by now, I’m sure. It’s time for me to step into an interview, mention a bunch of miscellaneous video games I’ve been playing in my retirement, then vaguely allude to the idea that I possibly would maybe like to adapt a film version of one of them at some point in the future while you cats all lose your heads about it. I might even mention games I haven’t played, and I’ll just say I’ve heard of them to tease you! The important thing is that my name gets jumbled up with them in the big SEO machine, of course, and I think I’m about ready to get started. Alright folks, here we go. Journos, on your marks! Get those article-writing fingers ready, I’m gonna make it real easy for you to wring a few listicles out of my game ramblings!
Let me rattle off a few classics first: Sonic the Hedgehog, Fallout, and of course, Dead Space. Boy, isn’t it something to hear those words bounce around in your head associated with my name? Can you imagine my voice saying them? What a nice thought that is, your old pal John making a scary alien picture again starring Isaac from Dead Space. You’d like that wouldn’t you? Keep dreaming, sucker. Moving on.
Let’s get a bit more recent in this section. How about that Vampire Survivors thing? I made a movie about vampires, there’s some dots worth connecting there. Hell, I’d say that alone is reason enough for you to wildly presume I would make a Vampire Survivors film. Never mind the licensing, script development, and financiers – all that is a bunch of malarkey! If there’s one thing people think they know about the entertainment industry, it’s that loose, vaguely plausible connections in viral headlines that trend online for a week are all you need to make a movie! Bunch of morons.
Just gonna throw caution to the wind here: anyone remember Buck Bumble? I’d just love to make that into a picture. I can see it now, it’ll be like the bugs from Prince of Darkness crossed with Big Trouble in Little China. If only I had a script! Say, if you’ve got one kicking around, just send it to me. I’m famous, I’ve got money, I can make anything happen. Fire it off to [email protected]. My people will call your people.
Oh, here’s a curveball: Metal Gear Solid. Wouldn’t that just be a regular mindfuck? Wouldn’t that just get that ol’ Luc Besson’s panties all in a twist? Picture an Instagram post with one ominous photo of me, Kurt Russel, and that Hideo Kojima fella in a boardroom, all smiles, shaking hands, and then BLAMMO — none of us will ever mention it again. Let me tell you, I loved my time making pictures, but nothing would bring me more pleasure than to see you fucking rubes do backflips over that one.
Well, that’s all she wrote this time, kids. Sorry to disappoint everyone that was hoping I’d mention Marvel and Scorsese by the time I was done here, but I’ll leave that to the commenters to speculate about. Time for me to watch the Lakers and smoke weed in my house ‘til I die. Sayonara, assholes!
