LOS ANGELES — Sources worldwide have confirmed that Universal Pictures has released an extended version of Jurassic World: Dominion on an unsuspected public.
“Oh god, it was just on there this morning,” said Rose Easterling, a mother who was horrified to learn of the longer cut’s accessibility. “I don’t even pay for Peacock, it’s bundled in with my internet. And now to think that one of my children could accidentally put on an even longer version of that awful sequel? Oh Christ. Just hold your loved ones tight everyone, that’s all I can say.”
The movie was criticized for its lack of creativity and squandering of the intriguing premise established at the end of 2018’s Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.
“These Jurassic World movies have been bland as hell, but the last one ended with all hell breaking loose, so this one seemed like it would at least be fun-bad, like when the T-Rex terrorizes San Diego in The Lost World,” said film critic Alan Matthews. “But no, it was just another bland Jurassic World movie, this time it was a legacy sequel, so they trot out some characters from your childhood. Oh, and they literally timeskip over the part where hell is breaking loose. Don’t worry though, there’s a ton of really good locust stuff in there. I can’t believe they’d put out an even longer version of it. So irresponsible.”
Even principal members of the cast voiced displeasure with the thoughtless release of the 160-minute version of the film.
“I knew it was a bad idea from the moment they brought me in to have lunch and discuss it,” said Jeff Goldblum, who reprised his role from the original Jurassic Park along with several other key cast members. “I warned against the release of this extended cut, and the lack of consideration for the audience that’s being displayed here, uh, staggers me. The problem is they were so preoccupied with whether or not they could do it, they didn’t stop to think if they should [release this version of Jurassic World: Dominion].”
“Also, I saw it, and that is one big pile of shit,” he added.
As of press time, viewers had confirmed that most of the additional 14 minutes added to the film were Chris Pratt putting his hands up in the air with a concerned look on his face.
