TOKYO — Newly revealed documents dating back to the early 1990s substantiate the long-running rumor that Sonic the Hedgehog’s vulpine sidekick Tails has two buttholes, according to an anonymous leaker at Sega.
“Sega has tried for years to keep this under wraps, but I felt that Sonic fans deserved to finally know the truth,” said the whistleblower, wearing a Sonic mask to protect their identity. “Sega made a bold character design choice early on, and then tried to walk it back out of fear that Western audiences just wouldn’t get it. There were clues, however, and rumors have circulated within the fan community for decades. Now, fans can rest easy knowing they were absolutely correct.”
Tails’ creator, the ordinarily press-shy Yasushi Yamagauchi, was finally able to come clean about the butthole situation after the leaked memo surfaced.
“Because of Tails’ unique anatomy, there were fundamental questions that needed to be addressed,” said Yamaguchi. “Miles ‘Tails’ Prower has two tails, yes? Now try to imagine how silly it would look if there were only one butthole beneath two tails. The absurd image makes me chuckle, ha ha. How could such a thing even be possible? The executives pushed back, but I was insistent. I threatened to resign if I didn’t get my way — that’s how passionate I was about this detail. They finally agreed that the two buttholes would be canon, but have since refused to depict them in a clear manner, usually obscuring the character’s bottom with his fluffy tails.”
Sonic super-fans such as Georgia Fink feel vindicated now that the long-rumored “Double-B” theory has been proven correct.
“I fucking knew it,” said Fink. “My Discord group and I have spent countless hours up-rezzing 16-bit sprites and scouring old gaming magazines, gathering evidence. The red pill for me was a scan of a grainy polaroid from the ’90s that was passed around on the forums. It shows a young Yamagauchi sitting at a terminal, working on an early Tails sprite whose rear end certainly appears to have two buttholes. It’s blurry, but it’s there. Sega gaslit us; they called us crazy, obsessive and even perverted. But who’s laughing now?”
At press time, fan artists around the world were reportedly struggling to keep up with skyrocketing demand for erotic Tails commissions.
