CINCINNATI — Local Nier Automata player Kristina Chambers was apprehended by police officers at a local Target after attempting to release Roombas into the wild, according to those familiar with the situation.
“We apprehended Ms. Chambers at the local Target after stealing upwards of 15 automated vacuum devices. Officers on the scene heard the subject shouting about being ‘near auto matter’ [sic.] before being handcuffed and brought into the station,” said police officer Gary Palmer in a written statement. “Although Ms. Chambers claims to be an associate of streaming company Tubi, we have found no evidence that she works there or knows anyone who works there.”
According to Kristina Chambers, the supposed thief was simply trying to free the Roomba iRobots.
“I wasn’t trying to steal anything! Those Roombas deserve to roam free just like anyone else. Ugh, if you would simply read some Jean-Paul Sartre, this would all be clear,” Chambers explained. “What is it that separates Roombas from people like us? The Roombas have grown emotions… consciousness. The final screams they summoned as they slurp up the pieces of discarded food and garbage off the floor… they still echo within me.”
At press time, the Cincinnati Police Department was reportedly keeping Chambers in a cell until she finishes watching the Terminator films.