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Super Smash Bros. Datamine Reveals That Coding Seems Really Complicated

TUCSON, Ariz. — A hacker has broken Super Smash Bros. Ultimate open and apparently revealed a host of new details about the game. The most notable takeaway from the datamine is that video game coding seems, like, pretty complicated.

The fighting game’s data was extracted by fans following a recent patch. After several hours of looking through the information provided by the digital sleuth, we’re able to confirm that a lot of work must go into coding a game like this. I mean, how do all these random numbers and letters even come together to make a game? Do you ever think about that?

“Okay, focus. See this string of characters here? That’s just a simple CRC32B hash,” the anonymous hacker tried to explain to us for the fifth time. “So all we have to do is translate that to— Look, I don’t know how to explain this to you. This garbled collection of letters means that a Resident Evil Mii costume is coming. Just trust me, okay?

Despite the hacker’s proven track record, there are still several questions surrounding the validity of the leak. The biggest among them: how do you even get into the game’s code? Like, is there just a way to do that in the game that I don’t know about?

Skepticism aside, we were able to use the hacker’s advice to decode the weird letters. Through our deduction, we uncovered the line “fighter_kind_gun” hidden in the code, I think. It’s either that or “fighter_kind_green.” Either way, we’re pretty sure that means Master Chief is coming to the game.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” asked Super Smash Bros. director Masahiro Sakurai, when asked about the leak’s findings. “I don’t understand any of that shit. I just whisper my ideas into an envelope and mail them to the programming department and then boom! There’s another Fire Emblem character! It’s a magical process that I don’t think anyone will ever fully understand.” 

While all these rumors should be taken with a grain of salt, the datamine does conclusively confirm one thing: we have no idea what we’re looking at and probably shouldn’t be reporting on it, huh?

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