Burger King
Burger King’s foray into gaming represents a more cynical approach to advertising your fast food brand by way of video games. Instead of the direct capitalistic approach that McDonald’s took throughout the ‘90s, (“Hey this is fun, right? Isn’t this all fun? Good times at McDonald’s, right? Will you please remember this for the rest of your life?”), Burger King’s approach here serves as a warning sign of the snarky brand speak that has proliferated the internet since. No longer content to just remind you that they exist, now brands want, no, need, you to know that they get it too, man. This is all so fucking silly, and we’re just on opposite sides is all.
Before the Wendy’s Twitter account broke up with your girlfriend for you and Steak-umms introduced you to Marxism, Burger King sold these silly little games for four bucks that largely hinged on you playing as that horrific mascot of theirs. I don’t like it. It feels like when a guy that’s too old to be at the party is the loudest one there. Just sit on the couch and pet the cat, Burger King. You’re being really weird.
These were three games originally conceived as XBox Live downloads that eventually became $4 physical games available at Burger King locations. Some would tell you they were overpriced, and others would say they were fun little games for less than the cost of a value meal. There was also a prominent third group that had their order get messed up so they were more focused on that and never really weighed in on the games. Everybody made some fair points.
Sneak King
Probably the most well known of these games, thanks in no small part to the promotional image that shocked us all which featured the King stashing himself in a garbage can as a young woman approaches. Is he waiting for her to merely walk by and continue on with his Kingly duties, or is it something far more sinister? It’s hard to tell, but hey everyone, buy some French fries!
This game has a production value that feels like it might’ve been worth more than four dollars at first, but after you play it for a few minutes you’ll say “Okay, got it.” As the King you must sneak around different locations and feed hungry people. You sneak up on them and press A only instead of executing people like you usually do in video games when you sneak up behind people and press A, here you’ll just give them some food that will kill them over the course of years. A clever way to portray violence and still maintain an E rating. Not the worst thing I’ve ever played, but I would’ve rather just bought a Hershey’s Ice Cream pie or something else from Burger King with the four dollars.
Big Bumpin’
Video games have been underwhelmingly simulating real life events since their beginning, and that’s something we love about them, but there are times that the simulation falls short and you just can’t do it. Did you ever talk to a guitar player while Guitar Hero was all the rage? They were insufferable! But still, I understand why they wouldn’t like those games. It’s just an underwhelming version of something that they love. I understand that. They should’ve shut up about it, but still, I understand it.
All of that is to say that there is exactly one fun thing about bumper cars in real life. It ain’t the whiplash and it ain’t waiting in line; it’s the fact that that it’s a blessed square of lawlessness where you share the road with children and are allowed to ram into them. If you don’t cross the line into maniacal, you can even get away with laughing at them a little bit after you hit them. Then you can just mosey off and do it to another child. It’s all allowed. It’s brilliant.
So what is the appeal exactly in pretending to be The King and do bumper cars at teenagers and people in food costumes? All the different levels and powerups in the world don’t change this fundamental flaw for me. Sorry.
The funny thing is that these games did contribute to a solid quarter for Burger King, making the little video game experiment a resounding success. Still though, one must wonder if it was the innovative idea to release such affordable games or was it the appearance of Brooke Burke in this title? That’s right, they got Burke. The Burke Store called, and they’re all outta Brooke! Not trying to throw shade to the winner of seventh season of Dancing With the Stars, but what an inexplicable crossover. It’s like the Jolly Green Giant and Rachel Ray teaming up to put out a Double Dash ripoff. This whole thing is as inexplicable as that Burger King in our hometown that never had customers but somehow never went out of business.
Know what, though? It’s fun as hell to drive around as a man in a hamburger suit on a comically small motorcycle. I’d do it again. Ultimately for four bucks, these games were a good value, and less likely to make your poop turn colors like that Halloween Whopper a couple of years ago, so believe me when I say they could have been worse!
THE VERDICT
The winner? I don’t know. McDonald’s I guess. Who cares?
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