In a tale as old as time, the Super Mario Bros. Movie released today to raucous applause from the audience and middling reviews from film critics. Critics panned the movie for its overt branding and paper-thin story, while moviegoers loved it because it’s fucking Mario.
It’s a bit of a shame that film critics can’t see why people enjoy the Mario movie, but I never expected people who enjoy watching Tár and The Whale on a Friday night to suddenly pog out of their gourd for a funny video game movie.
Besides, as certified gamers™ we are used to ignoring bad reviews of our favorite products. Remember when IGN rated God Hand, one of the most revolutionary action games in the medium, 3/10 below Party Babyz? Remember when Videogamedunkey dunked on Octopath Traveler because he couldn’t mash A through combat like a Gears of War QTE?
Reviews are inherently colored by the reviewers that make them. Videogamedunkey doesn’t like JRPGs, and IGN doesn’t like video games. So when a bunch of film critics say the Mario movie is mid, we need to remember that the movie isn’t objectively 54%: it’s a 54% for people who never heard of Bowser before the movie.
Honestly, are the critics even that wrong? I don’t enjoy the Mario movie for its breathtaking visual effects and riveting storyline; I enjoy it because I recognize Mario from famous games like Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games Tokyo 2020. Do we really need people to acknowledge the Mario movie as a triumph in the medium to enjoy it?
Expecting movie critics to give a 100% to the Super Mario Bros. movie is like expecting Tom Colicchio to give a 100% to a Taco Bell Mexican Pizza. I love that abomination of a food product, but I don’t expect fine dining experts to tell me this sewer slop sandwich is a genius combination of flavors. I eat Mexican Pizza because I like it (and I am poor), and that’s enough for me.
On the bright side, we’ve got some absolute gems of quotes from these film reviews. Variety describes Bowser as “fusion of Lionel Barrymore, the Wayland Flowers puppet Madame, and, a T. Rex plushie made for toddlers,” just in case your geriatric grandpa needed some context before taking the kids out. Telegraph inexplicably describes Princess Peach as “disturbingly botoxed,” I guess since imaginary CGI characters can’t have skin that smooth. Datebook accuses the movie of “feeling like they’re standing to the side and watching someone else play a video game.” I have bad news for you, pal: people donated more money last night to a French-Canadian subhuman speedrunning Minecraft than either of us make in a year.
