Everyone told me The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom is a great relaxation game, but I’m calling BS. Tears of the Kingdom is stress and horror incarnate. The game opens on a mummy contorting like The Exorcist, and sometimes when I enter a cave I get zerked off by fucking eyeball hands from hell. I’ve got a million pointless chores to do across 20 different locations. And the shrines. Oh, the shrines. The shrine with ascending rail tracks had me punching the wall like a European step-dad that just lost a FIFA match.
But you know what I hate the most? The people. Most of the Zelda cast are chill, but some of these characters don’t know how to act with the guy who SAVED THE WORLD a couple weeks ago. I accept that Zelda is about doing trivial tasks for people who couldn’t solve one side of a Rubix Cube, but I draw the line at schmucks who interrupt me mid-job. Here are 5 Zelda characters I wish I could reach through the screen and squeeze the life out of:
Mastro
Mastro looks like Wario if he was forced to take a shower, and this nerd’s quest is necessary to unlock the great fairies. The problem is that Mastro forces you to use his piece of crap wagon to reach the fairies, and he soils himself whenever the wagon tilts a bit in any direction and resets you to the starting position. For the love of the Goddess, just let me Ultrahand you across the river.
The cherry on top is this schmuck only rewards you with a Silver Rupee for every quest. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Mastro, but the land of Hyrule isn’t exactly a capitalist dream society. I need STUFF, not your blood money. I hope to one day chuck this sentient bowling ball down a river.
Cece
I hate mushrooms. I don’t cook with any mushrooms in Zelda out of principle. However, this woman’s entire schtick is mushrooms and I can’t stand her. For one, she’s always hitting the Randy Orton pose on me. Then, she makes you do an obnoxious stealth mission AND hand out mushrooms to 8 specific villagers. I never played Breath of the Wild past the water boss; I don’t have everyone’s hour to hour schedule memorized like the real freaks. How can I possibly tell what plain-clothed villager still needs a shroom and where? It took me an hour running in circles.
Cece’s saving grace is that you get a funny hat for finishing her questline, so I guess she’s spared for now.
Calip
“Doctor” Calip spends his days guarding the Ring Ruins in Kakariko Village like a dollar store Mido from Ocarina of Time, because Zelda apparently instructed him to do so. I do not care. Let me in the ruins. Let me in the fucking ruins. Zelda told you not to let anyone else past the barrier? I’m Link. I’m that guy. Let me in the fucking ruins. When modders let you demolish NPCs in the PC version of TotK that Nintendo will release in 2045, Calip will be the first to go.
Juney
Juney starts off blaming you for scattering her plushies, then CHARGES YOU to pick them all up while constantly berating the way you place them in the wagon. If you have such a problem with how I packed the cart, Juney, then why don’t you step in and help? You’re… timing me? While I pick up the plushies YOU made scatter all over? What are you even going to do if I don’t finish in time, abandon your entire cargo? Piss off.
She also rewards you with just a Silver Rupee, which I promptly used to buy medication for my ever-rising blood pressure.
Addison
Addison is a dick. He’s literally a penis. Look at him. His sniveling personality and penile head suck in their own right, but this absolute psycho will not let his Hudson Construction signposts touch the ground like a Trump fanatic with an American flag. Imagine simping over NFT signposts of your billionaire boss.
But that’s not enough. Addison, inexplicably, will not let you hold the signpost. I need to commit architectural homicide every time instead of, you know, just securing the signpost while one person holds it like you do at the end of each quest anyways. Do you even understand how much work I need to do, Addison? Some creep needs 10 hot-footed frogs to hit on the girl he’s stalking, pronto.
Well, I’ve vented about my most hated characters. I don’t feel better at all. I think the lesson learned here is that resetting my quest progress is extremely uncool, and that I need to play something more low-impact like Hello Kitty Island Adventure. I am going to violate the Geneva Convention on some Koroks now, bye!
