DENALI BOROUGH, Alaska — Local man Tauren Schneider reportedly heard a discord notification sound while camping alone deep in the mountains of Alaska without any technology one month before his remains were found.
“I’ve been camping out here alone for four years, hunting wild game and surviving with just what I have in my surroundings. I don’t have any phone or computer — no technology at all, except a rifle. So how the fuck did I hear the sound of a Discord notification?!” Schneider wrote in his diary on August 19th, days before he died. “Why do I even care? I haven’t used Discord in years! I live alone in the fucking woods and I’m actually pulling it off. But then the gears in my brain start turning… what if the guys are trying to show me a funny meme? What if someone is asking if I want to hop in for a round of whatever the new Call of Duty is? What if it’s just an @everyone tag? I’m going fucking insane out here.”
Local hikers discovered Schneider’s remains in his camping area on Tuesday and discovered that he had died of unknown causes in late August.
“It’s incredibly tragic and I’m sad to say that we’ve seen this sort of thing happen many times. That being said, this is the strangest case we’ve ever discovered out here,” said hiker Bruce Povey. “At first I thought it might be some sort of religious thing — we found hundreds of green circles drawn all over the campsite — but it’s more like the man had a psychotic break. Hopefully this discourages adventurers from trying to live out here alone, or at the very least, to bring one of those external chargers for their phone so that they can keep up with social media if they really have an urge to.”
At press time, members of a local video game Discord chat that Schneider was a part of were informed of his passing and were shocked to discover that he hadn’t just “had a kid or something.”
