ROME — Archaeologists excavating in the outskirts of Rome made a startling discovery earlier this week that completely rewrites preconceived notions of what caused the collapse of the Roman Empire and it is all your fault for not building a tower right here.
“There isn’t just one reason why the Empire collapsed,” said Dr. Marco Esposito, the foremost authority on late Roman history. “But it all started because you did not build a tower right here in this spot. It was all downhill from there. We excavated exactly where a tower should be and, to our surprise, there was nothing there because you didn’t build it.”
Experts could not reach a consensus as to why the Romans didn’t build any defences before a hoard of pillagers attacked, or why they put that responsibility on you, but they were clear on the fact that the tower should have been built in that precise spot and the fallout rests squarely on your conscience.
“It is hard to really put a number on the body count on your head,” historian Sara De Luca said. “But you should be put at the top of the list of History’s Biggest Monsters. It was just one tower! How hard would it be to build a tower?”
Evidence shows that the army of Visigoths that attacked Rome were literally running from a single direction and in a single-file line. It would have taken the least amount of effort to protect the greatest Empire in history, and you dropped the ball.
“This wasn’t even a battle. It was a massacre. You have blood on your hands,” Esposito said. “There was even the literal hand of God pointing to this spot begging you to build a tower and you never did.”
Historians are also blaming you for not defending Candytopia from the evil Sour-Sultan.
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