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Yu-Gi-Oh’s Legendary Egyptian God Cards See No Play Because They’re Too Powerful, Assume Egyptian Gods

CAIRO – A thorough analysis of the past and present state of the Yu-Gi-Oh meta this weekend revealed the game’s legendary Egyptian God cards were noticeably absent from the competitive scene, an omission that could be chalked up to them probably being too powerful, assumed the Egyptian Gods.

“I have known power, and with time I shall know it again,” said Obelisk the Tormentor, voice booming with arcane thunder and wings beating the air into a furious maelstrom of a thousand last breaths. “When it comes to the world’s third most popular children’s card game, only the cruelest, mightiest monsters can prevail. Divine Arsenal AA-ZEUS. Accesscode Talker. That chick on the horse. All find their seats of power in the nightmare cathedrals and entombed cities whence I dwell, and when they fall, as all do, under the ranks of newer power crept legions, I shall welcome them into the embrace of my lamenting grasp.”

“I mourn only that my strength is bottomless,” continued the Tormentor, “and I shall not see the hallowed fields of battle as I did in Ancient Egypt. Duelists simply cannot fathom a monster like Obelisk: a three-tribute, 4000 ATK beater that offs itself if special summoned and can’t attack the same turn it uses its effect. With such power, I outmatch even the legendary Blue-Eyes White Dragon— for whom I would presumably never be sacrificed.”

Not every Egyptian God shared Obelisk’s confidence, however, with others expressing doubt over how well their divine status has been translated from ancient legend.

“Look, it’s a tough scene out there,” said Slifer the Sky Dragon, who admitted he occasionally inhales the exhaust fumes of commercial jets just to feel something. “Lots of monsters are vying for meta status. They come out on the field looking all smug with their quick effects and negates and legs cropped out of their art. Meanwhile when I hit the field, I don’t know man, it doesn’t feel like the dawn of true power. It feels like I’m gonna get popped by something with three hyphens in its name and its level on the wrong side of the card. But there I go complaining about the state of the game again. Gods forbid a dragon has opinions.”

“Obelisk can talk, at least he has protection,” continued Slifer. “I have two mouths and don’t talk half as much shit. Yeah, Torm’s untargetable. Absolutely unheard of in my day, by the way. It’s still not enough. Duelists these days, they have answers to everything. Non-targeting removal. Traps that ‘bounce’ and ‘spin’, like my livelihood is a damn party. And for monsters unaffected by card effects, they have something called ‘turtle’. Game’s downright unplayable. Not that you need any of that for me, mind you, I’m usually swinging with 2000 ATK/DEF max. Is a legendary Egyptian God not even worth an Imperm?”

“It’s not all as bad as my colleague makes it sound,” added the Winged Dragon of Ra. “Slifer forgets, our original incarnations commanded such strength they had to be shackled under those words of power: ‘This card cannot be used in a Duel’. Perhaps it is better that these pale imitations, Gods in image only, are so stupid awful they need a full hand of support to be less useful than one Fallen Paradise is for Sacred Beasts and half as good as Ra – Sphere Mode in any deck.”

“I do feel for Obelisk though,” continued the Winged Dragon, who has not heard its ancient Hieratic chant read for many years and questioned whether it was indeed still visible under the light of Ra. “He forgets things more and more, it’s so sad. The other day he asked me when I thought we’d be play legal. Before that I saw him checking a 2014 ban list to see if we’d ‘been hit’. I didn’t have the heart to tell him you could run each of us at three. I still don’t.”

Though skeptical when questioned about the relevancy of the God cards in Yu-Gi-Oh’s future metas, players were quick to affirm their nostalgia for the iconic trio.

“I love the Egyptian God cards,” said pro-duelist Duncan Wheeler. “Their art is among the best and most evocative in the whole card pool, and just seeing those names makes me so sentimental. Especially up against the original red, yellow, and blue backs.”

“Put it this way. They’ll always belong in my heart,” offered Wheeler. “Just keep them the hell away from my deck.”

At press time, police had reportedly been called to conduct a wellness check on Slifer after he was recognized by a fan who mistook him for Uria, Lord of Searing Flames, not for the first time that week.

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