EDISON, N.J. — Local homeowner Lindsay Roach was seen sprinting back into her burning house to ensure that the flames consumed her husband’s gaming chair, bystanders confirm.
“I know it’s a risky decision, but we had family over. I had to double check that everyone got out and none of them tried to save the chair,” Mrs. Roach told officials. “Nothing is more important to me than saving my family from that chair. It doesn’t match anything and it’s falling apart. Plus, it’s weird. I mean—people come over and they see the chair and they say ‘I didn’t know you had kids’ and then I have to pretend we have kids. I don’t want to live like that.”
First Responders on the scene were very critical of Roach’s decision to re-enter the house.
“Listen – you should never run into a burning building or buy a gaming chair. It’s not worth throwing your life away like that,” explained Lieutenant Alan Bradshaw. “We have a saying in the fire service: Risk a lot to save a lot, risk little to save little, and risk nothing for a gaming chair because they’re ugly as hell.”
The Lieutenant went on to explain that Mrs. Roach didn’t have to worry, because those chairs are all made of cheap foam and polyurethane and will melt almost immediately.
“You could smell that chair burning from two doors down,” complained one of the Roach’s neighbors. “It smelled almost as bad as it did before it caught fire…Personally, I never understood gamers. Why couldn’t the guy have a normal hobby, like ‘Magic: The Gathering’? You don’t need any special chairs for ‘Magic: The Gathering’, all you need is a deck of spells, a dash of luck and a lonely childhood.”
At the time of publication, Mrs. Roach was busy trying to throw her husband’s funko pop collection back into the burning house. Her husband could not be reached for comment because he was weeping uncontrollably.
