SAN FRANCISCO – In their latest fund raising effort, Wikipedia has threatened to sell user data unless readers stop what they are doing and donate to the site immediately.
Fundraising Chair of the Wikimedia Foundation, Doug Loveless, confirmed the dire actions in a website pop-up “demanding $3…or else.”
“Listen up you cheap sacks of shit, we’ve kept the ads, paywalls, and Elon at bay for as long as we could,” Loveless’ popup read. “If everyone reading this does not pay $3, I will be forced to share the dirty things you look up on our little website.”
No matter what page I clicked on, Loveless’ message followed.. JFK’s extramarital activities, pop-up. Hitler’s car, pop-up. Best restaurant bathrooms in Chicago, pop-up. Loveless was not ready to give up.
“Only 2% of you ingrates actually donate when we do these! NPR made $800,000 last year. What do we have to do, give you a shitty tote bag,” Loveless pondered in a pop-up that exceeded the length of the webpage. “Fuck that. I don’t get $50 right now, I’m telling everyone what Doug in Elgin, Illinois looks up every day. After that, I’ll continue down the list. And then after that maybe I’ll sell all our searches to some tech company. You’d like that wouldn’t you?”
Things continued to escalate until Doug’s message stopped and was replaced by a new pop-up.
“Sorry, Doug had to step away. He’s just a bit stressed at the moment,” the unidentified Wikimedia Foundation worker wrote. “He’s being a bit harsh, but he’s right. If more of you don’t donate, we’ll be forced to share your data. It’s either that or a Patreon that doesn’t yield many additional perks. Pick your poison.”
At press time the Wikimedia Foundation had broken donation records and staved off Patreon and selling data, for now.
