TUCSON, Ariz. — Local XCOM player Chris Sweeten was not totally prepared to trust a 90% match with a girl on OkCupid, sources confirmed earlier today.
“Other people would see that and think it’s practically guaranteed,” Sweeten explained. “Experience has taught me the hard way that math just doesn’t work that way though. I’m able to see the real 5% chance that the date goes awful.”
“Sometimes you’re standing right in front of a girl, there’s no way you can mess it all up, and you go to shoot your shot… but you just awkwardly twist your body at the last second and shout a horrid pickup line at the ground,” Sweeten said. “Never again.”
Comparing answers between the two profiles revealed that Sweeten and fellow OkCupid user ‘JuliaWillRuleya’ both enjoy tabletop games, mecha animes, spicy food, progressive rock music and much more. Sweeten emphasized to reporters the one question they did not match up on, showing Sweeten enjoys long showers while Juilia prefers short ones.
“How would we make THAT work?” Sweeten said. “This is why I end up spending every single date waiting for the girl to make the first move. I just sit completely still, making small movements every once in a while and remaining in overwatch mode. So far every date I’ve been on has run out of time before anything happens.”
At press time, Sweeten decided to pull the trigger and message the girl, with the promise that if he failed he would just delete his account and start over messaging Julia from a new OkCupid profile.
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