IRVINE, Calif. — Blizzard executives announced a new feature for World of Warcraft: Classic Hardcore that adds a father figure who comes to your house and disconnects your internet when you’ve stayed up too late.
“We are so excited to introduce a new difficulty option that lets players experience ‘World of Warcraft’ as they remember it, with the permadeath mechanic attached,” said Executive Producer of World of Warcraft Holly Longdale. “This new father feature is guaranteed to take you back to late-night gaming at your parents’ house, creating a tension unlike anything you’ve ever felt in ‘Warcraft.’ We expect to see posts about your level 60 Hunter dying to some random mobs in Dustwallow Marsh, ruining a whole night of progress. Out of bed? Now you’re dead!”
“In addition to the standard version of the feature, we’ll be adding some DLC dads further down the road, really forcing gamers to stay on their toes. My personal favorite is the disappointed father who yanks the WiFi router out of the wall while loudly grumbling to himself in your living room. One of them will even make a TV dinner in your kitchen after cutting the ethernet line with a hedge trimmer.”
Excitement about the new feature has swelled, with many passionate gamers offering their thoughts.
“It’s something I never knew I wanted, but now I can’t stop thinking about the possibilities. Ever since I was kicked out of the house, playing ‘WoW’ hasn’t really felt the same,” said Blizzard fan Remy Robertson. “Now It’ll be like how I used to play: staying extremely quiet, turning the lights off, and lightly pressing the keys on my keyboard so my dad doesn’t notice I’m still gaming at 11:06. I might even cover the screen and myself in a blanket, assuming this dad feature is sensitive to light. But, If a disconnect does happen, I’ll probably have to call the guy and cuss him out to really feel immersed in the game.”
Some well-known figures in the World of Warcraft community, like prominent Twitch streamer Asmongold, are skeptical.
“Listen, if you only had your internet cut out by your parents for staying up too late, you never really experienced WoW, you know?” Asmongold posted on a WoW forum. “Parents will cut that crap for any reason, like bad grades, bad mood, bad tax return. You never know. That dad feature should cut the internet at any time, randomly. THAT’S how it should be. Not a fan of this change from the original.
At press time, rumors were circulating that Blizzard might also add a mother figure who would complain about the player’s lack of time spent outside.
