MILWAUKEE — Gamer Annette Hutchinson has been seated at her local dive for hours sending signals to other bar patrons that she’s seriously interested in someone coming over and talking with her about Elden Ring lore.
“I didn’t get all dressed up and come out to this bar for nothing,” tweeted Annette in frustration. “I have been playing Elden Ring nonstop for days and I absolutely need to talk with somebody about it. I mean I made sure to wear my finest Elden Bling and I gotta say I’m winning the fashion souls at this bar. I’ve been sitting here making eye contact and smiling at people, just waiting for someone to come up and ask me why I think Marika shattered the Elden Ring so I can explain my theory that it wasn’t just because of Godwyn’s assassination on the Night of the Black Knives but because she was actually trying to break the influence of the Greater Will, but they just keep hitting on me.”
Other patrons of the establishment took to social media to voice their frustration about the “confusing girl” sitting at the bar.
“This hot girl is throwing signals my way so I went over,” said Zachary Gunn, there to play darts with his friends. “I hit my best pick up lines but this girl is just talking nonsense. She mentioned something about fate being guided by the stars so at first I thought she was really into astrology, but then she went on about all these different gods and ancient giants and being touched by grace. When she started talking about how a person’s soul was located in their asshole I excused myself and went back to playing darts. I think she was trying to convert me to a cult or something.”
Unfortunately for Annette, it seemed there weren’t any people in the bar who had even played Elden Ring, let alone held the same appreciation for its opaque world building. Except for one.
“I told my friends it would work,” said Ernest Golby, who caught Annette’s attention by wearing a black t-shirt with the words try finger but hole custom-printed on the front. “Nobody believed me. They all said this shirt was embarrassing and that it was gonna turn away anyone who might be interested, but I don’t want any attention from casuals. I came out here to talk about dragons starting a cult to trick people into committing a genocide, and it looks like tonight’s my night.”
At press time, Ernest and Annette are still seated at the bar, loudly theorizing the implications the item description for a loincloth had on their greater understanding of the lore.
