YOUR HOMETOWN — Sources have confirmed that, despite the Left’s attempts to force “representation” and “equality” into everything, there will be no female characters shoehorned into your upcoming funeral.
“Oh, he died?” a female acquaintance of yours will reportedly say shortly after your untimely demise. “That’s so … I mean, of course it’s sad, I guess. He was always kind of … well, I didn’t want him to die. But I don’t, I mean, I can’t … work has just been crazy busy lately, you know?”
Upon the announcement of your future, long-time fans of the series will be afraid that it will be another lame DEI-fest made to pander to childless feminists who don’t even like funerals. But the fandom will rejoice when the full cast list is revealed, confirming that not a single woman will be affected by the fact that you have ceased to exist.
“I’m glad we can give the fans what they want. And I guess it’s what he would’ve wanted to,” funeral director Sherman White, one of the few men who will attend, will explain. “No female friends, no relatives. No lovers, but that part was easy. I’m even giving my female employees the day off, just to make sure there are no women in the building when it happens. I know how everyone in this hobby is sick of forced diversity. I want to be sure my business is taken seriously.”
While the internet is going to go wild about how great your anti-woke funeral will be, the funeral parlor will almost bow down to corporate pressure before going through with the proceedings.
“I’ll be honest, I really thought we couldn’t pull it off at first,” White will admit. “Almost woman-free, sure, but what about his mother? She’d pretty much have to be there, and she’s kind of a woman, right? Fortunately, it all worked out in the end when she told me she wouldn’t attend. I guess she needed to mourn in her own personal way. Or just didn’t want to be there. Didn’t seem right to ask. She’s a grieving mother, for God’s sake.”
At press time, your funeral is currently scheduled for a November release.
