SOUTH PACIFIC OCEAN — Scientists have found that Booster, a Pacific bluefin tuna currently located in a pelagic zone far away from land, could not give the meaning of the term “woke” when asked in an interview. He was also observed to be leading a generally happy existence.
“I don’t know what that means!” said the tuna. “I just like to swim! I swim and swim all day and night, exploring the water and eating sardines! Swimming is my favorite thing! The water is nice and relaxing, and there’s always something new to see! One time I saw coral! Have you seen coral?”
Further testing showed that the fish had no emotional reaction whatsoever upon hearing the word “SJW,” nor any strong feelings regarding any trailers for upcoming video games. Most shockingly of all, his desire to insult strangers over the internet was borderline nonexistent.
“At first, I assumed Booster must have been some kind of rare anomaly,” explained ichthyologist Dr. Yoshiko Furutsukeki. “We ran the tests on other fish, just to be sure. Same results, every time. This completely changes our understanding of what it means to be a thinking species. Certain patterns of brain activity are so common in humans we’ve thought they must be essential to life itself. But these fish can’t name a single movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and have no desire for the next one to succeed or fail, and they’re alive.” The scientist stopped to wipe a tear from her eye. “Not only are they alive, they’re happy.”
As their interview proceeded, desperate researchers attempted to find any feelings Booster had regarding human culture. “Oh, you mean the nets,” he answered. “I do not like the nets. My friend Quigley was in a net once. I never saw him again. I miss him. I love to swim, but sometimes I see bad things. Whales and sharks will eat us, but the nets are worse. The nets don’t eat you, you just disappear forever. It is too bad the nets don’t fight with each other. Maybe then they would leave me and my friends alone.”
At press time, Booster had ventured deeper into the ocean, still not having a single social media account.
