Every good gaming journalist knows that who you choose to main in “Marvel Rivals” says a lot about who you are as a person: your star sign, your favorite color, maybe even what you ate for breakfast this morning. But did you know that such a choice also has grim implications for the method by which you’ll meet your mortal end? That’s right! Your go-to “Marvel Rivals” character reveals the exact way you, the reader, will eventually perish, and we’ve used our crystal ball to lay out the precise, agonizing, gory details of it all. Keep scrolling to find out how you die!
Iron Man
If you’re an Iron Man main, a classic and ironic twist of fate is in store for you: you’ll be run over by a self-driving Tesla that didn’t see you because its AI was watching Bridgerton on one of those big-ass screens. Jarvis, play “Despacito”, please.
Captain America
If you main Captain America, you’re probably a true patriot who loves your country through and through. ‘Murica, brother. Unfortunately for you, the infrastructure of that very country is what will kill you. You guessed it: your health insurance won’t cover the cost of expensive medical bills. It won’t be the ailment that actually does you in, but rather the heart attack you’ll have upon seeing the amount you’re being charged.
Thor
Unfortunately for the Thor mains out there, the one thing the God of Thunder can’t smite with Mjolnir is his crippling beer addiction. Your own proclivity for hops-fueled IPAs and hearty Irish stouts will eventually lead to death by alcohol poisoning.
Hulk (or “The Hulk” if ya nasty)
Hulk mains basically think they’re invincible, and ‘twill be hubris that leads to their downfall. I wouldn’t put it past you guys to step in front of a truck to stop it or try to jump off of a tall building because you think you’ll hit the superhero landing. There is also a chance you’ll wear your heart out trying to pick up a heavy boulder like it’s Wolverine.
Spider-Man
You will die via strangulation by your friends after telling them you main Spider-Man.
Black Widow
I know what you’re thinking, you sick pervs. “Uh-huh-huh, death by snu-snu”, “smothered by thighs”, etc. Well, get those thoughts out of your head! Only the female Black Widow mains get death by snu-snu. The rest of you will be taken out by a Russian firing squad.
Hawkeye
Like Ralphie’s mom tells him in A Christmas Story, “you’ll shoot your eye out!” Either that or you’ll fall to your death trying to zipline down from the second floor of your house into your backyard. The crystal ball is a little fuzzy sometimes.
Black Panther
Bad news for Black Panther mains: you will all be killed by your mothers after you accidentally scratch your younger sibling in the face trying to emulate his Vibranium Claws. You can’t see me, but I’m doing a “Wakanda Forever” salute in your honor.
Scarlet Witch
Scarlet Witch’s ult and overall moveset is one of the most powerful in the game’s roster, and it may cause you new fans to want to read more about Wanda in the comics. Doing so, however, will inevitably cause psychic damage so severe that you will pass away instantly. House of M fans will understand.
Namor
Namor is essentially Marvel’s coolest incel, and you, his mains, have been pepper-sprayed in the face so many times you’ve built up an immunity at this point. But one of these days you’re going to let loose one comment that’s too out-of-pocket and the “Sue Storm” you’re pursuing will turn around and beat you to death – in public, no less.
Iron Fist
Iron Fist mains, you will break every bone in your bodies after trying to do his signature triple jump/aim a flying kick at the Bruce Lee posters on your concrete dorm walls. Even in death, you have to admit: kind of deserved.
The Punisher
Gunned down by cops outside the school you’re shooting up.
Squirrel Girl
Anyone who mains Squirrel Girl is either in jail or deserves to be. You’ll be taken out in the most fitting way possible: a perfectly-flung rock to the head from a makeshift slingshot two cells over. You’ll probably just want the obituary to say you were shanked by a rival gang or something, though.
Moon Knight
I just know you Moon Knight mains are all booking flights to Egypt and getting lost in the desert after your therapists told you you need to get out more. Unfortunately, not even Marc’s mighty ult can save you from heat stroke and dehydration. Just hope Khonshu doesn’t resurrect you.
Luna Snow
I’m gonna be completely and utterly transparent with you all, here: even as a comic book fan, I had no idea who Luna Snow was before writing this list. But it seems like she’s Marvel’s answer to D.Va from Overwatch, except with ice powers. She’s a K-Pop star, so I’ll say that you all will probably get trampled by the crowds trying to get to the front of a Blackpink show and mosh. Yeah, that seems pretty fitting.
Wolverine
If you’re a Wolverine main, I can only guess that you really enjoy being double-bounced on the trampoline in your backyard. And unfortunately, that’s exactly how you’ll bite it: getting a little too much air and underestimating how high you’ve gone. What goes up must indeed come down…sorry it doesn’t work exactly like the Hulk team-up ability.
Magneto
Continuing with the X-Men theme, I have good news for the Magneto mains. You get to go out in perhaps the most based way of all: killin’ Nazis. There are lots of ‘em popping up again nowadays, and you’re the ones who’ll take one for the team in the pursuit of justice (and by that I mean taking a bullet to the head while going absolutely ham on some alt-right motherfuckers.) I’m not even a Magneto main and even I can admit, that’s pretty awesome.
Storm
Now, I could say that you’ll die by getting struck by lightning or whatever, but in reality, I think the more likely outcome is that all you Storm mains will die because you’ll be ogling at Ororo’s sheer magnificence as your partner walks into the room.
Magik
Magik mains, you will inevitably slice yourselves up with the model knight’s sword that’s hanging on your walls after you try to replicate her Magik Slash. Either that or you’ll fall down the stairs and break your neck at Comic-Con after finding that your replica of her sword is way too heavy.
Psylocke
Ah, the elusive Psylocke main. You probably think your martial arts and swordsmanship skills are pretty sharp, huh? THINK FAST- haha, just kidding. This is an article, I can’t see you. But for real, you will die when your Iron Fist-main partner accidentally closes your throat with a karate chop during a sparring session.
Doctor Strange
You Doctor Strange motherfuckers will kick the bucket after you summon a demon to help you “get better at the game.” Some real Fullmetal Alchemist shit.
Loki
Much like the Namor mains, and the real Loki himself, it’s your own obnoxious mouths that are going to bring about your eventual doom at the hands of someone much bigger and stronger than you – but just when everyone thinks you’re down for the count, it turns out that you were alive the whole time…or were you?
Jeff The Land Shark
You people will die trying to pet some animal that could very easily rip you apart. And it will, and you’ll deserve it.
Hela
Lucky for Hela mains, your deaths will be rather exciting: you’ll be right in the middle of trying out some real kinky shit in the bedroom. Whips, flogs, chokers and the like…but it will go too far very quickly. That’s what you get for telling your partner you suddenly want to “experiment” more.
Venom
Oof, I wouldn’t wish this one on my worst enemy. In your futures, Venom mains, my crystal ball sees an alien abduction and subsequent experimentation on you until death. Luckily, when the aliens arrive on Earth, we can feed you all to them first. Let’s just hope they don’t bring symbiotes with them.
Cloak & Dagger
Now, there are a couple of ways this could go, and each is equally painful. In one vision, I see you visiting the city of London and getting stabbed in a dark alley because you weren’t careful about where you were going. In another, I see you taking your own life after you were cancelled for writing some really weird things about interracial couples on X.
Star-Lord
Picture this: you’re in the midst of listening/singing along to your very-finely-curated 70’s rock playlist (that you did NOT just get from James Gunn) while out on a leisurely drive in your newly-restored Chevy Vega. The music will be so loud, however, that you won’t notice the 18-wheeler speeding towards you at the intersection.
Rocket Raccoon
You tech-and-firearm-obsessed fiends will meet your maker by way of finally getting your hands on that assault rifle that your MAGA neighbor offered to sell you. All shiny and new, you’ll lift the heavy thing to fire at some targets in your backyard, and the recoil will instantly crush your entire rib cage. Did that one go the way you thought it was going to? I bet it didn’t.
Groot
You may be Groot, but you’re also dead as hell, boy. Your green thumb-lookin’ ass will probably be walking through a field or meadow and stop to smell the roses, only the plant you actually picked up wasn’t roses, but poison hemlock. Should’ve consulted the field guide, there, buddy.
Mantis
You will die from eating too many bugs.
Winter Soldier
Sorry, soldats, but Winter Soldier mains will be killed by a Ukrainian infantryman after you travel to Russia and are conscripted into their army (they need every able-bodied person they can get on the front lines.) I don’t make the rules, I just read what the ol’ ball tells me. Your sleeper agent instincts are bound to kick in.
Adam Warlock
Adam Warlock mains, you people confuse me – being a healing support character is great and all, but out of all the iconic characters in Marvel’s roster, you choose this guy? Anyway, your untimely demise will arrive when you huff too much spray paint trying to get your skin all shiny and golden for Comic-Con.
Peni Parker
All of the Peni Parker mains have a sacred duty to pilot the EVAs and prevent the coming of the Third Impact. Unfortunately, that does mean you will probably be killed by an Angel along the way. Any other weebs get that one? Nice.
Mr. Fantastic
If you’re a Mr. Fantastic main, you like things that are new and are probably a bandwagon player. You will die after a vein in your forehead pops when arguing with other players online about whether Reed is smarter than T’Challa and Tony Stark, but more importantly, how far his massive cock can stretch.
Invisible Woman
Hey, quick question: are you a big Jessica Alba fan? Actually, never mind, don’t answer that. Invisible Woman is the latest Marvel character to join the Rivals roster, and if you main her, you’re probably pretty shy. Your demise will come after a metal curtain rod falls directly on your head as you hide from your mother, who’s yelling at you for not making your bed or doing any dishes all week.
