If you’re reading this, it isn’t too late. Please heed my warning and do not, under any circumstances, log back into your childhood Webkinz account. The internet avatar of the physical plushies you begged your parents for in 2006 are still alive, and boy are they pissed.
After rediscovering Cody the penguin and Reginald the Tiger in my parent’s basement, I decided to log back into my ancient Webkinz account in the hopes of unearthing buried serotonin in the depths of my nostalgia hungry monkey brain. I was unprepared for the horror waiting for me.
Using the same email and password I’ve used for everything since my first AOL Instant Messenger account from 2005, I entered the virtual Kinzville. And there, waiting for me right where I left them, were my two fur babies, sitting alone in the middle of a house that was interior designed by a nine year old.
That’s when Cody the Penguin kicked the crap out of me. For hours on end he released his pent up rage in the form of haymakers to my face, neck, and solar plexus. He pecked at my eyes and tore at my limbs. It was like a scene from a Tarintino film, I can’t believe the developers programmed in this gruesome and fear inducing animation.
I think I named him after Shia LaBeouf’s character in Surf’s up, Cody Maverick. So it felt like the radical dude penguin from the movie was beating me up and now I don’t think I can ever watch that Oscar nominated masterpiece again.
Reginald, on the other hand, had no reaction. He continued to sit lifeless on the floor with the blank 1,000 yard stare of a neglected pet who’s endured 18 years of isolation. Imagine the torture of existing in a virtual purgatory, being able to feel hunger and get sick yet having the inability to die. It would crack the will of our strongest soldiers.
At no point did Dr. Quack warn nine-year-old me about the psychological torment I would instill on the sentient stuffed animals when he gave me their birth certificate. I was completely unaware of the PTSD they would develop in the wake of my abandonment. What I would give to remain blissfully unaware of my negligence.
Please do not make the same mistake I did. Go to Toon Town or Club Penguin or any other early 2000s Flash powered websites that began your childhood internet interest that has now turned into an addiction… Maybe my Neopets still love me?
