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Vengeance-Stricken Charles Martinet Lands Lead Role in Chris Pratt Biopic

LOS ANGELES — Video game icon and the voice behind Mario, as well as several other Nintendo characters, Charles Martinet announced today that he will be playing the lead role in an upcoming biopic about actor Chris Pratt, seemingly out of spite for Pratt’s new role in Illumination’s unreleased Mario film.

“Not so funny when it happens to you is it, Mr. Pratt?” Martinet said in a malicious press conference. “You think you can just take anything that belongs to me, and I’ll just roll over like a bitch and let you give it to me? Think again, fucker. Martinet is coming after you. Mario was my baby, and you waltz in there with your handsome face and take away what I worked towards for over twenty years. Well I’m coming after you, Mr. Pratt. While you’re in the voice booth talking about Koopas with Jack Black, I’ll be gaining a bunch of weight to play early you and then getting shredded to play current you. We’ll see who’s laughing when you watch me suck face with Anna Farris on 20,000 screens.”

Pratt returned fire at Martinet, refusing to back down to a challenge. 

“Bring it on old man, I’ll fuck you up,” Pratt said. “My father in law is The Terminator and I played an intergalactic superhero. I’m going to pistol whip your gray-haired ass into the ground before you can say ‘It’s-a Me.’ Iconic voice or not, you think your dumbass Italian accent could get you through Zero Dark Thirty? I didn’t think so. I have God on my side; God watched every single episode of Parks and Rec, motherfucker.”

“That being said,” Pratt added, “If you could come in to do some voice acting for Wario and Waluigi, that would be great. We just can’t seem to narrow down those voices yet so it would be a big help.”

At press time, Hollywood insiders worried that Martinet’s plan could be foiled by the notion that nobody would ever see a movie about Chris Pratt’s life.