UNTITLED VILLAGE — As vaccination rates continue to climb nationwide due to expanded eligibility and availability, local vaccination numbers have unfortunately remained steady at 0%, largely due to that mischievous little goose knocking the syringe out of every pharmacist’s hand before they can administer the shot.
“It’s frustrating. I’ve tried to get the shot three times, and each time that goose has stolen the needle and ran away, forcing the pharmacist to do that weird hunched-over run after it,” noted resident Martha Simulls, whose age and physical frailty has made her a high-risk COVID patient and goose target. “I can’t tell you how many shots have ended up in the river or under a carrot in that one guy’s garden.”
The goose, whose tactics also include honking and scaring the pharmacist right before the shot so they miss, has been a terror ever since the pandemic hit, constantly entering shops without a mask. Some health officials have tried innovative ways of eluding the pandemic-perpetuating nuisance.
“We’ve tried abandoning the local shop, hoping that he’d take the time to destroy that while we get some shots in,” noted Dr. Liam Gertry, who attempted to drive to a neighboring town to get his shot, but couldn’t, as the goose stole his car key. “At one point we put out a decoy picnic, but he saw right through that. We’ve even left that one paper airplane boy alone as bait, but the goose wasn’t interested, which was somehow even sadder.”
While most residents are upset by the lack of vaccination, some have praised the goose for standing up against an “oppressive government.”
“That goose understands that there just isn’t enough info about these vaccines, and they are not safe,” noted resident Chuck Openhis, founder of the Parler page Untitled Tracking Device. “He’s a hero, and I like to think that even if he could get the vaccine, he wouldn’t. But he can’t ‘cause he is fully a goose.”
At press time, the goose was seen handing out fliers for a mass gathering masqueraded as “socially distanced,” at which it will lock all residents in one room in an attempt to further spread the Delta Variant.
