Gabaghoul, it’s Luigi! Of the two Mario Brothers, the taller, better looking and unfortunately endowed Luigi has always been better than the spotlight hogging cuck known as Mario. While Mario gets all the glory for his various adventures chasing down Bowser to rescue the princess completely oblivious to the fact that Bowser and Peach are clearly in a secret friends with benefits relationship, it’s Luigi who is doing actual hero work. He fights dimension hopping ghosts and he does it despite the fact that he’s afraid of ghosts because that’s what heroes do.
So good is Luigi at dealing with the supernatural, it’s not hard to figure that he’d be able to handle other monsters before they ever get a chance to mash. While there’s tons of spooks and specters to pit Luigi against, he’d make quick work of all but the most powerful so in the Halloween spirit let’s pit Luigi against the most powerful of them all. The Universal Classic Monsters. So powerful are these creatures that they managed to avoid having a terrible cinematic universe in a time where every IP is forced to have one. Luigi would still be able to defeat all of them but some would put up a longer fight than others.
7. The Invisible Man
The thing about the Invisible Man is that he’s just that, an Invisible Man. Sometimes he’s not even invisible, sometimes he’s just a man with a face wrap. Luigi is scared of a lot of things but a mere man is not one of them. If we were talking about Peach or Daisy or literally any female character then sure, they’d have a reason to be a little fearful of a man, especially one who is invisible but fortunately Luigi is also a man and ladies he’s one of the good ones so he’s gonna solve this problem without breaking a sweat. A little blast of the UV light on the Poltergust and the Invisible Man becomes man and then Luigi beats him to death because a man cannot be sucked into a vacuum. At least not all of him.
6. The Mummy
The Mummy, or Imhotep as his most ardent followers call him as he promises to make Egypt great again, would give Luigi some trouble on a count of his magical powers but not much. Luigi has fought mummies before, not just regular mummies but mummies that turn into ghosts afterwards. Also for most The Mummy, Imhotep is just a guy, and as we’ve established Luigi is not afraid of just some guy. Luigi is an Italian from Brooklyn, there is nothing any Mummy other than his own can do to hurt him. Even Imhotep’s magic powers wouldn’t impede the big L much because Luigi has fought dimensional threats the likes of which no one has seen since Goozer covered New York in Stay Puft splooge. Luigi takes the W and Brendan Fraser plays him in the superior remake.
5. The Wolf Man
The Wolf Man wouldn’t really put up much of a fight against Luigi, after all both Mario Brothers came up in the 80s so you know there’s at least 3 silver fillings in each of their mouths. But Wolfy would last longer than the previous two on account of Luigi feeling a little bad for him. All the Wolf Man wanted to do was score with a girl he liked but he was struck with nothing but bad luck. Luigi knows all about that, except for him instead of the bad luck being transforming into a werewolf it’s being constantly overshadowed by his less impressive brother which is honestly worse.
4. Creature from the Black Lagoon
The creature would put up a bigger fight than the previous monsters on account of being an inhuman monster but it still would lose very quickly. You see, Luigi is Italian and the creature is a big fish man. They’d be serving Creature from the Black Lagoon Linguine at the Mario family dinner table within an hour.
3. Dracula
Dracula would be able to put up a fight against Luigi only through his scheming in the shadows. He’ll plot against everyone’s favorite Italian plumber/ghost hunter from behind closed doors, hypnotizing his allies, bringing in previous enemies he’s fought and maybe even turning a third rate supporting character into a vampire. That’ll no doubt keep Luigi occupied for a bit but once the plumbing paisano rips and tears through whatever Dracula throws at him and it’s just them in a room mano a mano, Luigi would make quick work of the Count. You may be surprised to hear this but let me explain, you see this is specifically about the Universal Classic version of Dracula. If this was Christopher Lee Dracula or Nosferatu or even the super horny Gary Oldman version then there’s a case to be made that Dracula would be Luigi’s toughest challenge but we’re talking Bela Lugosi Dracula. Crucially Bela Lugosi’s Dracula, in canon was bested by Abbot and Costello and Luigi is essentially if Bud and Lou were merged into one sexy italian man.
2. Frankenstein’s Monster
Finally a real challenge for Luigi. Frankenstein’s monster, or Frankenstein as he’s known to morons is gonna put up a real fight. This undead creature is essentially a superhuman zombie, he survived being trapped in a burning windmill and he survived loneliness which is more than what most modern men can claim. Luigi will no doubt be scared of his imposing statue and the 6 pack abs that Boris Karloff was hiding under that costume but he’ll preserve because that’s what Luigi does. The monster would prove to be immune to most of Luigi’s gadgets, a flashlight isn’t gonna faze him, a UV light is just gonna reveal what we already know about dead bodies and there’s no way he’s gonna get sucked into a vacuum. Just when hope is lost and it appears as though Luigi is about to end up defeated by the supernatural like his loser brother, out will pop Gooigi to save the day. Finally the lonely monster of Dr. Frankenstein will have a companion of his own and unlike his supposed Bride, Gooigi won’t reject him because he’s got the good heart of Luigi and also has no eyes.
1. Bride of Frankenstein
You may be wondering, why is Bride of Frankenstein at number 1 if Frankenstein’s monster is at number 2? Don’t they have the same abilities, what makes her able to last longer against the Gabagool Guzzler himself I hear you say. And to that I say, excellent questions however the main thing you aren’t realizing is that the L in Luigi stands for Ladies Man and the Bride of Frankenstein is hot. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to say that she was the number one hottest undead woman all the way up until Tim Burton blessed us with the Corpse Bride. Luigi would be all over her and she would be all over him because he’s green like Frankenstein but unlike Frankenstein he’s good looking and oozing rizz. The Bride would last the longest against Luigi because he wouldn’t defeat her, he can fix her.
