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Uh Oh: Turns Out Square Enix Never Got Any Rights for ‘Kingdom Hearts’ and Disney Just Found Out and They’re PISSED

BREAKING NEWS: Square Enix’s popular Kingdom Hearts series, which fans adore for its blending of high-concept storytelling and RPG gameplay with beloved characters from Disney movies has come under fire after Disney realized the games exist, having never given their rights or consent. 

“Oh God, WHO TOLD THEM? We’re fucked. We’re so fucked,” panicked Square Enix President Yosuke Matsuda, dumping gasoline all over the Square Enix office in a last-ditch effort to cover his tracks. “It’s over, man! It’s OVER! Someone snitched and Disney knows we’ve just been putting Mickey Mouse in games for over ten goddamn years. I thought there was no way they’d find out until after I died at least, but I just got off the phone with Bob Iger and he is NOT. HAPPY. Everyone, it’s been an honor making games with you, but I am now a ghost. I no longer exist. By my estimates, you have approximately thirty minutes before the Disney legal team arrives, so I trust you’ll burn your fingerprints off and tell your families goodbye.”

Disney CEO Bob Iger explained how he finally caught on to the game developer’s clever ruse.

“I was just at the supermarket when I saw a little boy wearing a T-shirt of this key-wielding anime character with Donald Duck,” Iger said. “I thought it was just some cheap bootleg shirt from Japan, but after Googling the text on his shirt on a whim I saw that there’s tons of games with all of our proprietary characters completely unlicensed. It’s crazy that nobody at Disney caught on until now, but we’re not really the gaming type here, so it just flew under the radar. Obviously, the games are successful, and have a devoted fanbase, so we decided to make the mature business decision and give the developers a brief window to evacuate before our SWAT team raids their offices, homes, and known rendezvous points.”

At press time, sources reported Bob Iger was sent into another vitriolic rage after learning that someone had built an entire unauthorized theme park using their brand, apparently called “Disney World.”

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