MONTREUIL, France — Video game publisher Ubisoft abruptly canceled every game they had in production today, announcing a rapid pivot into the manufacturing and distribution of dog food, shocking employees and gamers alike.
“Well that’s news to me,” said Kelly Emery, a programmer who was working on Skull & Bones, which announced its fourth delay weeks ago. “I was a little concerned when they canceled some other games recently, but I figured we were safe. I suppose there truly is no secure job in the video game business, though, even if it’s with a lucrative publisher. These execs that don’t understand video games can just abruptly just say ‘fuck it,’ and turn your whole studio into a dog food factory on a whim. It’s a terrible setup, this whole thing.”
“Say,” she added. “Do you think they’ll let me interview for a dog food position, or?”
Executives defended Ubisoft’s abrupt and immediate exit from the video game industry.
“With the increasing backlash against most of the stuff we do, we’re just gonna scrap this whole thing and try something else, and we decided on dog food,” said Yves Guillemot, cofounder and CEO of Ubisoft Entertainment SA . “There seems to be less drama in the dog food world, less expectations. I look forward to it. And hey, be sure to try Ubisoft dog food, releasing first quarter next year, I swear to god. You’ll see. We’re gonna be such a good dog food company. Let’s just all try to forget about that video game stuff we did.”
The dog food industry largely didn’t take to Ubisoft with welcoming arms.
“Are these guys gonna be able to get dog food onto the store shelves on time,” asked Nina Leigh Krueger, CEO of Nestlé Purina PetCare. “Because we work hard here in the dog food industry. They’re gonna have to keep up. We don’t maintain frat house cultures, and we sure as hell don’t put out shockingly tone deaf emails that seem to blame our workers for their bosses’ incompetence. Nope, we just wake up early, roll up our sleeves, and make dog food.”
As of press time, Ubisoft released a preview for their upcoming Far Cry variety of dog food, a dry kibble that was mostly made up of ingredients from better, more enjoyable dog foods.