PALM BEACH — President-elect Donald J. Trump has selected real estate mogul Tom Nook to head his cabinet’s Department of Housing and Urban Development.
The nomination came Friday during a rally on Trump Island which was recently charted off the Florida coastline.
“I’ve known Tom for years. Long, long time. TOM CROOK they used to call him, nasty nickname given to him by the Dirty Dems. I wouldn’t call him that, but many called him corrupt. Not now though, many people are saying it’s the greatest appointment ever. That’s what they’re saying folks, believe me let me tell you. […] Most people think he’s a fox but he’s a tanuki, a lot of people don’t know that. […] The tanukis love me. You know when you spell ‘Tom Nook’ it’s like ‘tanuki.’ I just picked that up, has anyone ever thought of that? Tanukis. He’s a Japanese racoon dog with big nuts. Huge balls on a dog thing, that’s how we make America great again.”
Nook addressed the crowd after taking the stage to K.K. Lament, which the performing artist Totakeke has since clarified was an unlicensed use of his song.
“How shall I begin, hm? I’m quite glad that I’ll be working with such an ambitious administration to turn over a new leaf and transform this desolate country.” Nook later hinted at plans for his appointment, “My programs will put a roof over every American’s head — or at least a tent, oho! It won’t cost you anything, well, a few bells. Pocket change really. But we’ll provide loans to anyone unable to afford their mandatory housing once Timmy and Tommy are heading the Treasury and SEC. Ah, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Yes, yes! Let’s get started!”
Economic analyst Kit Soone, creator of the Substack For Whom The Bells Toll, warned against the nomination:
“Do not be fooled by his quaint demeanor, Mr. Nook has made a career off predatory practices. Tanuki are not benevolent magical creatures; they are greedy, mischievous fiends and Tom Nook is no exception. He creates closed-loop economies with fake currencies built upon indentured servitude — then he pulls the rug. His appointment threatens to bankrupt the country, leaving millions in destitute poverty, and it reeks of cronyism.”
Soone further described the intricacies of the Nook Inc. enterprise.
“He buys land in locales with no construction codes, no oversight, and no competition where his family can exploit the labor force in exchange for structures and furnishings which are mere illusions. He uses devious magic to turn leaves into useful objects then he leaves before they revert to their useless form after selling his stake in these fake gentrified communities.”
At press time, a Trump transition spokesman announced they would no longer be pursuing the Nook nomination upon learning his home ownership restructuring plan included interest-free lending.
