WASHINGTON — President Trump announced that Mastercard and Visa had pressured his administration to remove objectionable content from all government archives, including all documents relating to the investigation and prosecution of Jeffrey Epstein, sources confirm.
“The Epstein files, which are a Democrat HOAX, have been destroyed at the direction of several wonderful payment processors, including Mastercard and Visa,” President Trump declared on his Truth social network. “They’re saying there was bad stuff in the files, nasty stuff, probably about the Clintons and the Biden Crime Family. You wouldn’t want to see it. We are forever grateful to these GREAT American companies for finally putting an end to this distraction so we can focus on important things, like making up our own economic data and deploying the military against our citizens. Every American should open a credit account with Mastercard to show their appreciation. Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
The administration quickly clarified the president’s comments.
“President Trump would like nothing more than to release these files, which would totally exonerate him,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond the administration’s control, we were forced to destroy any and all material related to Jeffrey Epstein. They have found references to illegal sexual content within these files, and have justifiably requested that it be obliterated. America is lucky to have a president who respects the will of our country’s payment processors, who are quite literally the financial backbone of this nation. So unless you want to pay even more at the grocery store, then yeah, we’re going to take their opinion seriously.”
Mastercard issued a soft denial that they were directly responsible for the deletion of the files.
“Mastercard has not evaluated any documents or blocked the release of any files regarding human trafficking, contrary to media reports and allegations,” said Mastercard spokesperson Daniel McMahon in a statement on X. “Our payment network follows standards based on a cowardly form of conservatism. Put simply, our actions are dictated by what we believe puts us least at risk. We listen to religious nutjobs over gamers because we’re more scared of the nutjobs, and we certainly won’t push back too hard against a nascent authoritarian who is blaming us for a scandal that has been dogging him. Either he comes fully into power and appreciates us taking the hit for him, or Democrats manage to regain the presidency and do absolutely nothing to punish us for being snivelling collaborators. There’s no downside.”
At press time, President Trump announced that Mastercard and Visa had identified potentially offensive portions of the United States Constitution, which he said would be flagged for, “immediate removal.”
