WASHINGTON — White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt spoke out against the open world design of Mario Kart World for the Nintendo Switch 2, the newest game in the long-running series.
“Frankly, if you don’t have strong borders, you don’t have a kingdom,” said Leavitt. “This game erases the cultural distinctions between Peach Stadium and Moo Moo Meadows. If you can just drive between one track and the next, then how can you say they’re even different tracks? These beautiful, unique courses just blend together to become one bland, unspectacular overworld. And, if we’re being honest, everyone here knows that a society like Boo Cinema could never build DK Spaceport. President Trump demands that Nintendo immediately eliminate the open world elements of the newest Mario Kart title.”
Some Trump supporters were surprised by the administration’s strong stance.
“This isn’t what I voted for,” said Robert O’Brien, 43, a Long Island native. “Sure, I don’t like it when you spend two whole laps driving to the next course on a wide, straight highway, then barely get to drive on the actual track. But that’s a Grand Prix problem. The various connected paths are perfect for Knockout Tour, and the open world itself is fun when you want to chill out and explore. I can’t believe how extreme Trump has been on this issue. If he keeps it up for another year or two, I might even consider insincerely threatening not to support him any more.”
Prominent Democrats attempted to use the issue to court moderate voters.
“Now, of course, I’m not in favor of open world games,” said Sen. Ruben Gallego, D-Ariz. “I think a strong, linear path is the best way to construct an interactive narrative. We should respect the traditional gaming values that built this country. But that doesn’t mean I think it’s okay to tell a company that’s been around for over a century how to conduct itself. There’s plenty of compromises we could make. We obviously can’t allow full freedom of movement, but there are other options. Nintendo is no stranger to Warp Zones or sequence breaking. I don’t think any reasonable person could be opposed to those kinds of measures.”
At press time, President Trump had deployed a detachment of 800 Koopa Troopas to, “liberate,” Crown City.
