Press "Enter" to skip to content

True Castlevania Cosplayer Only Eating Full Turkeys Found Inside Walls

SAN DIEGO — Well-known Simon Belmont cosplayer John Harmon has chosen to honor the Castlevania game series by going completely method, eating a diet that consists solely of fully cooked turkeys that he discovers behind walls.

“I’m fully committed; before I walk up any stone steps I find, I first kneel before them and whip over and over again to see if I can destroy the stones and reveal some delicious wall meat,” said Harmon as he walked carefully to avoid falling into any body of water, which he insisted would kill him instantly. “I just think most of the other cosplayers aren’t all in like I am, and it’s sad. Most of them aren’t even immortal, and at least half of them haven’t even taken the time to recognize the attack patterns of their enemies.”

Other cosplayers in the scene reported being annoyed with John’s insistence on always staying in character.

“That dude is the worst; every time I see him, he yells, ‘Die monster. You don’t belong in this world!’ and throws holy water at my feet while double jumping all over the place,” said Dracula cosplayer Henry Connely as he fumbled with his plastic vampire teeth. “I can respect him being committed, but at some point you have to give it a rest. It’s been years since I saw that man eat anything that wasn’t first encased betwixt the hallowed stones of an ancient castle.”

Writer Cornelius Bonepart has been studying the strange habits of cosplayers for years and has chronicled his findings in his new book, Not Cosplayin’ Around.

“You see this kind of behavior in the more extreme cosplayers; I once saw a man in an ill-fitting Mario costume die trying to dive into a sewer pipe,” said Cornelius, while proudly showing off crime scene photos of the incident in question. “At the end of the day, if John Harmon is getting all of the proper nutrients he needs, there is not much you can really do. I say, let them eat turkey.”

“In a way, these people are artists in their own right; I mean, no one got their undies in a twist when Daniel Day Lewis was waltzing around telling everyone he was Abraham Lincoln, and this is just as, if not more, artistically valid.” Bonaparte added. “We must simply get out of the way and let the genius of cosplay flourish!”

At press time, John Harmon announced that he would take his efforts even further, spending his nights searching for battle axes hidden somehow inside of antique candelabras.

Photo by u/graysonfin