Are you a youth struggling to figure out your identity? Well, fuck that noise. Video games can do the heavy lifting for you! Don’t believe us? Just check out the Yakuza franchise for five excellent personality archetypes you can cop with zero effort.
#5 — Kazuma Kiryu
Are you that kid who smokes crack behind the gym, but also leads the D.A.R.E. program at school? If so, this archetype will allow you to feel simultaneously virtuous, righteous, and holier than your peers, while also being one bad, respectable motherfucker who does whatever you want. Don’t worry — as long as you wear stylish suits and constantly frown, no one will be able to hold you accountable for your rampant hypocrisy.
#4 — Goro Majima
Hey, kiddo, perk up! You’re not alone—we all have fantasies about shanking fellow students in the locker room then licking their blood off the floor. If you take on Majima’s whole vibe, you can indulge your fantasy while also being a great person who gives the best birthday gifts in your entire friend circle. What a juicy, alluring contradiction you are.
#3 — Daisaku Kuze
So what if you’re the school bully? At least you stand for something. Beat the shit out of those nerds just like Kuze. Never let their squeals or good grades deter you.
#2 — Saeko Mukoda
If someone calls you a raging bitch, don’t take that shit. Go full Mukoda. Start spreading gossip. Cause scenes in public. Do whatever it takes to make their life miserable. That’ll teach them to slander you.
#1 — Ono Michio
You cute little vitamin-filled go-lucky piece of asshole lint. Everyone hates your ever-optimistic smile. Your own mother recoils when you hug her in public. But that’s why you do it, right? If you choose this character, godspeed.
There you have it! Five comprehensive ways to solve your teenage identity crisis, courtesy of Yakuza series creator and youth development specialist Toshihiro Nagoshi. If you liked this roundup, be sure to check our other listicles, including Top 5 Fuckable Sonic Characters.