In the year 2024, we’ve been blessed with a huge bloom of diversity in the gaming scene. Openly queer protagonists and casts abound. Beautiful, heartfelt stories being told by those who have lived the experiences they depict. It’s wonderful.
But at the same time, sometimes games meant to be completely heterosexual in nature are the gayest pieces of media ever made playable. It’s like when shows dive so hard into being homophobic that they accidentally present their main male duo as lovers. Life finds a way. No. Gay sex finds a way.
Trust me, I’ve seen Twitter.
5. Call Of Duty: Ghosts
Okay. Going to be upfront here; I know less about Call Of Duty than the IDF knows about avoiding civilian casualties. I know this one has space in it, I think. But what I know for sure is that whoever Soap and the eponymous Ghost are, they’re in love and also married. And also they’re both transgender. If the fanart is anything to go off of, that is.
For whatever reason, these two guys I know nothing about apparently have enough in-game chemistry to inspire hundreds of artists to draw them, like, having domestic cutesy morning breakfasts and stuff. Honestly, more power to them. I didn’t even know Call Of Duty HAD characters! Or plot! Or gay people in it! So THAT’s why they added Nicki Minaj!
4. Team Fortress 2
Keeping with the theme of overly-masculine first-person shooters, there are exactly three demographics that play this game. Traders, the most vitriolic people you’ve ever heard, and LGBTs who may or may not also be furries. Unless they’re playing Pyro. Or Medic. Then they’re definitely furries. I would know. I am one.
A furry, that is. What, do you think I W+M1 like some sort of pussy?
Honestly, I’m surprised this isn’t more well-known. You make a game with no plot and some wacky, stereotyped buff middle-aged men (plus one and a half twinks) who have silly back-and-forths and DON’T expect people to draw them in the world’s most foul-smelling polycule? And when they DID decide to give the game an actual plot, the very first thing they did was place two of the most manly ones in a forbidden-love Romeo-and-Juliet breakup plot. Sure, Overwatch has Tracer. But TF2 has a six-foot bisexual wall of muscle named Jane Doe.
3. Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers Trilogy
Pokemon has mass appeal. Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, its slightly unloved spinoff, has less mass appeal. But these three games in particular? These three are why you instinctively draw bandanas on Pokemon. These three are why Vulpix is your favorite. These three are why you had a weird attraction to Grovyle as a kid. Nobody I know whose favorite games include the Explorers trilogy are heterosexual or cisgender.
If you consider yourself to be, and you just really, really like the Explorers games because, oh, the plot’s really well written, or the visuals are really pretty, or the music is good, replay one after reading this. Don’t bullshit the personality quiz. Choose the opposite gender for your player character. Come back to me after you beat Primal Dialga.
Either you’ll unlock something deep within yourself or you’ll cry over ‘I Don’t Want To Say Goodbye’ again. Win-win!
…Or you’ll want to fuck Grovyle again. Win-win-lose.
2. ULTRAKILL
Look, we don’t know for sure if anyone is gay or straight. Whatever Gabriel and V1 have going on is some of the most Yaoi shit I’ve seen. A fallen angel and the thing he’s sent to destroy? But hey, sure, whatever, they could be straight dudebros who just wrestle covered in blood, okay. Dubious sexualities aside, though, as far as I’m concerned, this game is for gay people and Vinesauce Vinny. No one else plays it. That’s the sole audience. What other demographic goes as nuts for warped Christian imagery and gory violence as metaphors for intimacy? Fight Club was our jam before dudebros got their mitts all over it. Nobody loves blood and creatures as much as us queers.
I’m not implying Vinny is gay, by the way. He’s an honorary member, like Hozier. Or Gianni Matragrano.
1. Portal 2
You either like Portal 2 for its overall impact on gaming as a whole and its incredibly charming and memorable narrative or you want to hop on those robots and give them the ole pleasure ride nasty-style. Maybe you heard GLaDOS insult you and felt a little something about it. Maybe you remember the wonderful years of 2013 through 2016 when everyone drew Wheatley as a tall blonde twink. Maybe Wheatley was in the list of names you considered when you first came out solely because of that famous fanon depiction. Perhaps you even considered women as a romantic option for the first time because of Ellen McLain’s jaw-dropping vocal performance as GLaDOS. All are possible. Maybe all at once, for some of you.
Honestly, there are worse games to have transgender and or gay awakenings to! Much… much worse games.
Thanks, Cave Johnson, for turning your personal secretary into the MILFiest robot ever devised by human thought. Sorry about the whole dying-in-pursuit-of-eternal-life thing, though. And all the, uh, other stuff. Happy Pride, though!
