So, you finally built up the courage to ask out that cute co-worker and they—miraculously—said “yes.” Lucky bastard! But after a bit of lukewarm conversation over dinner where you realized the two of you don’t have much of anything in common, an awkward interaction with the waitress and a pretty silent walk back to your apartment, you’ve somehow convinced them to come upstairs for a drink and maybe an episode of a show you like. As you sit there looking for something to throw on, you’re thinking, “Man, could this be going any worse?” There comes a point where you just have to say “Fuck it, it’s not like they can like me any less, and we sure as hell aren’t having sex tonight.” In such a scenario, you might as well just fully send it and throw on an episode of David Lynch’s television masterpiece ‘Twin Peaks.’ Here are the top ten episodes to watch with your date:
10. “The Last Evening”
If you really want to throw them right into the middle of the chaos with no prior warnings and show them what an interesting and nuanced taste in programming you have, the Season One finale is a prime choice. Jacoby has a heart attack, Leland Palmer suffocates Jacques, Agent Cooper gets shot, Hank shoots Leo, James is arrested for cocaine possession — man, that was some good TV! One of those episodes that’ll leave them going “what the absolute fuck is happening here?” Then you get to flex your media-literacy muscles a bit, leaving them impressed. Or even better, they’ll be so tuned out that you get the chance to redeem yourself with normal conversation again. Just hope they don’t notice the scene of Audrey and her dad at One Eyed Jacks.
9. “Demons”
This Season Two episode introduces the best character in the whole series, deaf FBI agent Gordon Cole. Watching this one with your date means you’ll get to show them your incredible David Lynch impression, and if that doesn’t save the evening, I don’t know what will. At the end of the day, they’ll likely be so impressed that they’ll ask you for a second date at the very least. It’s also when the infamous phrase “fire walk with me” returns to the story via Gerard’s possession by MIKE, so that’s pretty cool if you want to turn them into a true Peaks-head through and through and get them into the subreddits. Maybe even mention the prequel movie for next time!
8. “Dispute Between Brothers”
On the surface, this seems like a ‘nothing’ episode – and that’s the point. To the town of Twin Peaks, Laura’s murder is solved, Cooper is about to head out and leave Washington behind him forever when WHAM! He’s being suspended from the FBI, someone wants to plant cocaine on his car, and Major Briggs vanishes into thin air while on a camping trip with him. If your date hasn’t been paying attention up to this point, this episode will at least leave them intrigued and asking you questions about what’s going to happen next. At that point, all you have to do is put on a sly smirk, shrug, and say “I guess we’ll have to find out!”
7. “Zen, or the Skill to Catch a Killer”
One of the earlier episodes of Season One, this is the first time we’re introduced to the concept of the Red Room/Black Lodge. In true Lynchian fashion, it sort of crops up out of nowhere in an otherwise not-so-surreal episode, and it’s so eerie and off-putting, so creepy in its presentation, with Cooper sitting next to the “dwarf” and Laura Palmer’s doppelganger, that one of two things might happen: either your date will say “you know, I had a fun time tonight, but it’s getting late…” at which point, you’re free to enjoy the rest of your evening as you see fit, or they’ll be pulling up the Wikipedia for Twin Peaks and reading articles about just what the hell the show is all about. At that point, you’ve got ‘em!
6. “Traces to Nowhere”
This is the second episode of the entire show, so your date won’t really have missed out on much if they’ve never seen it before (besides, of course, the murder central to the entire plot.) She’ll get to witness Agent Cooper’s lovable personality and quirks, such as his passion for coffee, which may be a trait endearing enough to convince them to keep watching with you. The episode ends on a sour note, with the abusive Leo beating Shelly using a bar of soap in a tube sock. The scene is quite disturbing, but as an added bonus, you can shake your head from side to side in disapproval and say “Jesus Christ” as it unfolds to let your date know that you disagree with his actions on a deep ethical level and would never yourself participate in something so horrendous.
5. “The Condemned Woman”
To break the awkward silence as you and your potential lover sip from a $10 bottle of red, you might say to them, “Hey, you wanna see something crazy?” If they’re game, that’s when you throw on “The Condemned Woman”, a certified Weirdo episode of Twin Peaks. Everything is fairly standard murder mystery procedural shit until the episode’s conclusion, when Cooper finds sawmill owner Josie Packard in a room at the Great Northern Hotel. There, she confesses to multiple murders, but before she can pull the trigger on herself, she goes limp, and Sheriff Harry Truman cradles her before they both disappear. Once they come back, Josie’s spirit is transported into the knob of a desk drawer, and she’s trapped. The episode just straight-up ends there, offering you and your date zero answers (in classic Twin Peaks fashion.) After that, you’ll probably at least get a “Damn, that was crazy!” out of them.
4. “Cooper’s Dreams”
Hoo boy. So there you are, on the couch watching Twin Peaks, wondering whether or not you should make a move on the person sitting next to you as the final nail in the coffin after an already-horrible night. Well, what better way to get them in the mood than with an episode that ends with Audrey in Cooper’s bed, trying to seduce him? You could even turn to them and raise your eyebrow suggestively as Cooper returns to his room. “Wait, wait, isn’t she a minor?” your date will then ask. To which you will inevitably reply “Ah, shit, yeah. Forgot about that.” Maybe just turn the TV off and apologize for your earlier behavior.
3. Literally any episode of “Twin Peaks: The Return”
Admit it: even you haven’t revisited “The Return” since it first came out in 2017. David Lynch can’t be bothered to write a normal story. He has to make it all weird and convoluted, set it 25 years after the original series, re-introduce characters from the first two seasons but with different names and in different settings (who is ‘Dougie Jones’? That’s Coop, god damnit!) The good news with this series is that neither of you will have any idea what’s going on, so you’ll be on the same page for the first time all night! You won’t be able to answer any of their questions, but that’s OK, because you’ll have some of your own, too. But best of all, you might get to hear Gordon Cole deliver his famous “What the hell??” What the hell indeed, Gordon.
2. “Laura’s Secret Diary”
It’s time to get #political. In this Season Two episode, Lucy tells local deputy Andy that she had an affair with Dick Tremayne and that there’s a very real chance that their baby together might actually be his; Tremayne has offered her money in order for her to get an abortion. In the next episode, it’s revealed that Andy’s sperm count is higher than he thought it was, so there’s a chance the baby is actually his. This is the perfect time to turn to your date and ask them for their opinions on abortion in general. Depending on their response, you could kick them right out, and never have to see them again! Or, the two of you could bond over being on the same side of the aisle. It’s important to understand someone’s politics if you’re planning on seeing them in the long-term, and if there’s one thing Twin Peaks does, it’s bring people together.
1. “Northwest Passage” AKA “Pilot”
Picture this: you’ve completely run out of things to do and say to the person you’ve brought back to your place. You’re working up a sweat because you don’t have any board games or other cool things to hold them over, and you know there’s no chance of anything physical happening tonight. That’s when you pull out ol’ reliable: “Do you wanna start Twin Peaks?” “Oh yeah, I’ve heard of that show. Is it any good?” They’ll reply. Now it’s on. You boot up episode one (likely on an illegal site because who in their right mind has a Paramount+ subscription) and are whisked away to the fictional town in the Pacific Northwest. Immediately, the dulcet notes of that intro music on the bass guitar transport you to a different time and place. Now, the first 20 minutes or so are Laura’s body being discovered and everyone in town crying over her death. Maybe, just maybe, all of the mourning and grief will cause your date to shed a tear and cuddle up to you for comfort. A young, handsome Kyle MacLachlan enters the scene as Agent Dale Cooper, and is immediately charming, unearthing clues as soon as he arrives. You’re introduced to many aspects of the David Lynch Cinematic Universe, including all the men besides Coop and maybe Bobby being ugly as shit, while all of the women are inexplicably gorgeous. This is as enticing as it gets, ladies and gentlemen. Starting Twin Peaks with anyone is a sign of sustainable intimacy. You’re in it for the long haul now!
