Palworld is taking over the gaming world like a bunch of rednecks taking the U.S. Capitol. Why? Because barely legally distinct Pokémon with guns is too good of a concept to ignore. To many, Palworld offers something that Game Freak has so far refused to give the most profitable franchise on the planet—an upgrade to the Pokémon formula.
While some may claim that it’s the survival gameplay or the cute little copyright violations fighting by your side in real time that makes Palworld such a positive iteration of what Game Freak built, we all know the truth. It’s the guns. Sure, the survival mechanics are solid and approachable and it’s fun to have a logging camp filled with Lamb slaves, but the reason Palworld has resonated with so many is because you can have a penguin pal with a rocket launcher.
Do you know what would make storming Team Rocket’s base more fun? If you could do it like 80s Arnold Schwarzenegger in a vaguely South American country. So in light of this revelation, here are the top ten other Nintendo franchises that would be improved if they had guns in them.
Kirby is everyone’s favorite cute little god killer. His games are fun and wholesome platformers that usually aren’t that difficult. They’re great little palate cleansers. Cozy games that you can run through to feel good. Kirby has the power to absorb the abilities of whoever he gives the big suck to, so why would he even need a gun you ask? Kirby has the power to kill gods, after all. But think of how much more fun the cute and colorful worlds of Kirby would be to float through if they were covered in the crimson residue of the Waddle Dee brains you blew out. Kirby has been through enough, he’s killed countless Eldritch horrors and even saved the Nintendo universe, all through the power of suck. Let’s give him a break and give him a machine gun.
9. Ring Fit Adventure
Ring Fit Adventure tasks you with saving the world from monsters through exercise. Do you know what would be better? If I could use dual-wielded uzis to take my revenge against any monster that makes me do squats.
F-Zero is fast. Too fast. But with guns that won’t matter, because I can shoot down all the better racers, cruise to the finish line, and finally win in F-Zero 99. This is the future. Give me a car with a laser gun attached so I can end my thousand-game losing streak.
7. 1080 Snowboarding
I don’t actually think this would be better with guns, I just hope that someone makes a rip-off with guns and it spurs Nintendo to make a new one with the money they win in the lawsuit. Please Nintendo, the people yearn for snowboarding games.
Pikmin allows you to control an army of little disposable creatures. They’re so cute and harmless and they deserve better defense against the dangers of the world. They deserve guns. After all, if you’re gonna control a little army to do your bidding, you might as well arm them to the teeth. Imagine the chaos and carnage you could reap upon the world with an army of well-armed Pikmin with itchy trigger fingers. Pikmin are completely loyal to Olimar. They’ll do whatever he wants, and it’s time he uses them to get some real change done. Give them some military-grade weaponry and get ready for the Olimar takeover. Pikmin have a pent-up rage inside them for being used and abused. It’s time to harness that into some good-fashioned violence
5. Super Mario Bros.
Mario and Luigi are Italians from Brooklyn; frankly, they should already have guns. By now the Mushroom Kingdom should look like a World War 2 battlefield while the plumbing duo takes care of family business, fuggetaboutit. It would be more humane than the way they currently dispose of their enemies, if we’re being honest. Would you rather be crushed to death by a man high on shrooms after he jumps into the air and slams his ass onto your head or be given the quick and painless death of a bullet to the head? Exactly. I mean, have we ever even seen Mario and Luigi doing any plumbing? I don’t recall. We have, however, seen them violently wreak havoc among the indigenous species of this magical land. Unhinged violence is their natural instinct; let’s give them some guns and see if Bowser wants to continue his kidnapping campaign.
4. Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker
To my knowledge, all video game treasure hunters are required to gun down more people than the population of some small countries. Not only does Captain Toad not gun anyone down, he doesn’t even really engage with his enemies. He avoids them and simply finds the treasure. What an amateur. For Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker to become a true treasure-hunting classic, Toad needs a glock. He must massacre anyone and anything that gets in the way of him finding that treasure.
3. Animal Crossing
Tom Nook is already a mafia boss, so it’s only natural that guns be involved in Nintendo’s life sim series. Someone needs to fight back against his tyrannical rule and the only way to do that is with guns. Beyond that, some of these animals need meat to survive, which means we need to hunt. Let us hunt the villagers that cause trouble, or even just the ones we want to get rid of, to make room for the new ones that we actually want. At the very least let us shoot whichever one of them keeps making that goddamn sea bass joke every time we go fishing.
2. The Legend of Zelda
What did Link go through all that crossbow training for if he wasn’t going to upgrade from his silly little bow to a high powered rifle with armor piercing rounds? Guardians and Zonai constructs have lasers on them. There are missiles in Tears of the Kingdom. You’re telling me that Purah can’t use her science genius to build a gun to make life a little easier for the little twink boy who keeps doing everything himself? He’s earned it, and Ganon has earned a bullet with his name on it. No more Mister Nice Link. Our favorite androgynous hero has been through more than the quiet emo kid who sits at the back of the class. Give him a gun and let him solve Hyrule’s problems once and for all.
1. Mario Party
STEAL MY STAR NOW LITTLE COUSIN TIMMY! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU!