DANBURY, Conn. – Three unarmed civilians were somehow struck by gunfire at Gamer’s Grove Classic Arcade after a police officer decided to play 1995 light gun game Area 51, sources report.
“I like to come in here during my breaks,” said the culprit, Officer Gary Rabowski. “I just love these old games; plus they help me unwind from my shifts. Unfortunately, I forgot how jumpy this one in particular makes me. I guess I must have used my actual gun when the game told me to fire off screen to reload, and it looks like I did it more than once, because there are several people lying around here with gunshot wounds. I’d say ‘my bad’, but I probably shouldn’t say anything that looks like an admission of guilt.”
Eyewitness Lauren Burke remarked on what she had seen.
“I was playing The Simpsons Arcade Game when I heard this series of deafening gunshots,” Burke commented. “I looked over and three arcade patrons had been shot near some idiot cop with a literal smoking gun in his holster at the Area 51 cabinet. The most shocking thing about it is that he just kept playing his game, and appeared to be completely unaware that he had just shot three innocent people who had been playing close by. I swear, they should just ban cops from this place entirely.”
Criminal justice reform expert Miguel Abarca weighed in on the situation.
“We’ve all seen countless incidents of jittery, trigger-happy police officers shooting people during traffic stops,” Abarca offered. “However, cases of them not even being able to play video games without committing manslaughter tend to get covered up. Whether that’s because the departments are embarrassed, or they simply know they can get away with it depends on the incident. I wish I could say this Rabowski guy is going to be punished for this appalling dereliction of duty, but we all know he’s going to be put on paid leave for a few weeks before getting away scot-free.”
At press time, Donald Trump has announced he will be awarding Rabowski the Presidential Medal of Valor.
