BISMARCK, N.D. — Tyler Lombardi, a 34-year-old part-time convenience store clerk and former happy child, has been spending most of his free time complaining about the deterioration in quality of pop culture franchises, sources confirm.
“The Marvel Cinematic Universe just isn’t as good as it used to be,” typed Lombardi on Reddit, who once enjoyed riding bikes and skipping stones with his friends during summer vacation. “I still remember how hyped I was for each installment back in the Phase One days. Every movie was an event, but all the recent Marvel stuff just feels like it’s going through the motions, you know?”
Associates of Lombardi claim that these remarks are typical of him.
“Yeah, I was a big fan of Tyler back in his early years,” said Nick Bean, who attended middle school with Lombardi before moving out of state. “He was a good kid, always running around, full of energy. He’s really gone downhill in recent years, though. He’s not a dick or anything, but every time I see him online he’s talking about a video game trailer like it’s a war crime or something. I don’t know where the old Tyler went.”
Analysis of Lombardi’s social media posts over the past five years has demonstrated a consistent dislike of nearly every recent movie, television show, and video game from the person who once ran home as fast he could each Friday to uncritically enjoy the new episode of “Ed, Edd n’ Eddy.”
“Don’t even get me started on ‘Star Wars.’ Each show seems worse than the last. Disney’s really run the franchise into the ground,” posted Lombardi, who twenty-five years earlier could not decide if his favorite part of the franchise was the laser swords or the silly alien with the big ears. “I can only imagine what George Lucas would think of what his baby has become. That’s the real problem with all this new shit. It’s not just an insult to the fans, it’s an insult to the creators who made it great in the first place.”
At press time, Lombardi had completely forgotten his boyhood dream of becoming an astronaut and was complaining that the new “Dragon Age” was too far of a departure from earlier entries in the series.
