CARY, N.C. — After almost 7 years, 5 chapters, 28 seasons, and 1624 skins, Fortnite fans are in mourning today as Epic Games has confirmed they have officially run out of skins to add to the game.
The news was announced through tears by Epic Games Chief of Skin Licensing John Hart.
‘We’ve tried everything!’ We’ve tried making skins from new memes, but other big brands use them before us and kill the joke,” Hart explained weeping manically. We’ve tried waiting outside maternity wards to see if we can purchase the rights to any interestingly shaped newborns, but their parents either call the police or demand far too many royalties! I even tried feeding my skin into our servers, but all that got was a bunch of comments asking what happened to Peter Griffin’s hairline and I can’t get the bleeding to stop. I’d go to the hospital but we need to crunch. We can’t go on like this!’”
In a video message posted to Twitter (now X) Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney assured fans they will find a way to get more skins.
“No matter what it takes, I will do everything in my power to make sure Fortnite has new skins until the end of time,” said Sweeney as he was smashing up iPhones. “I’ve put everyone in the company on it. Every department from art to QA to the actual gameplay devs. We know the most important thing to our players is overpriced skins so that’s obviously our main focus.”
Sweeney revealed in the video that in the meantime they will be selling organs of popular skins for players to use in-game as skins.
“If there is one thing I have learned from my fellow Sweeneys, it’s that in the public eye popular figures are just a sum of their most noticeable body parts and the insane personal beliefs you can plaster onto them, so why not sell these parts individually?”
At press time, Fortnite players can now download Chapter 6 Season 4, where they can play as the spleen of Mr. Beast, the gallbladder of Harley Quinn, the left kidney of the Michelin Man, or the shattered heart of one of the default guys who nobody ever plays as.
