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The Pressure Is Off: Man Preemptively Announces He’s Not Proud of His Quiplash Answer

ATLANTA — In an attempt to alleviate the unbearable pressure of consistently writing funny Quiplash answers, local man Adam Pobinski, 33, gave a precautionary forewarning regarding his lack of pride in his upcoming answer, believing the acknowledgement would somehow make his response less unfunny.

“The stress of creating a funny quip every single time is akin to how I imagine diffusing a bomb feels,” explained Pobinski. “You see, the second that timer starts ticking down, the pressure is on and the fate of the entire room is hanging in the balance. By acknowledging my inevitable failure, I am effectively relieving the tension, so when that bomb explodes, I can at least say, ‘hey, I told you guys!’ If it sucks, no one can say I was lying.”

Pobinski’s friend and fellow Quiplash player, Tara Marsallo, couldn’t help but question the logic behind the preemptive announcement.

“Saying your answer is shitty doesn’t magically make it not shitty,” retorted Marsallo. “It just means you’re weak and would rather accept defeat than toughen up and think of something witty. If you’re truly self-aware of your mediocre performance, then why not try to rise above it? It’s like he’s inside a burning building, yet refuses to try to leave. Pobinski, you can come join the rest of us in the big leagues when you’re actually ready. We all know you wrote ‘cum’ for three of your answers, anyway, asshole.”

Behavioral Scientist David Sutterbee offered an explanation to the psychology behind this Quiplash phenomenon.

“I believe Adam is experiencing something we call the ‘Quiplash Underperformance Insecurity Phenomenon’, or QUIP,” explained Sutterbee. “By setting the bar as low as humanly possible, Pobinski is ensuring that his peers’ expectations are essentially nonexistent. He is fully aware deep down of his incapability to produce any halfway decent quips, meaning his only purpose in playing Quiplash is to lessen the pain of each inescapable failure.”

At press time, in a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence, Pobinski reportedly announced that he was actually quite proud of his next answer, only to receive zero votes.

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