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‘The Legend of Zelda’ Film Production Halted Surrounding Animal Abuse Accusations

LOS ANGELES – The principal photography of the long-awaited film adaptation of The Legend of Zelda was brought to an abrupt halt just days after its announcement, inside sources confirmed. This follows allegations of mistreatment & abuse of animals on set, resulting in several chickens and dozens of cast in critical condition.

“Listen, I really thought I knew what I was getting into here, okay?” said director Wes Ball, winded, covered in scratch marks & loose feathers. “I swear to god, we were just trying to do that thing from the games where you can fly for a little if you hold one. The double yanked on the leg a little too hard on the second take, and for real like 1000 chickens descended on us like hellfire. This is not normal. I knew I should’ve smelled something was up when Nintendo demanded their own in-house animal wranglers. Grew these things in a lab probably.”

Executive producer Shigeru Miyamoto seemed befuddled about the crew & press reaction when reached for comment.

“I am not sure I see what the fuss is about, the Westerners seem to have brought this upon themselves.” Miyamoto-san said. “Perhaps this is a bit of culture shock, but in Japan, the chicken is among the most respected and violent creatures. Did they think the Cuccos were not grounded in reality? Is this the perception in America? I would have thought after having seen the film Napoleon Dynamite that those in the United States would understand the incorrigible solidarity and avian wrath held among chickens. A shame.”

At press time, it was heard that the cease had coincided with a planned pause, so as to allow the film’s teenage lead to age into his adult years before production resumes again in 2033. “It’s the details like this that matter, we can’t just recast,” said Ball. “You ever see Boyhood? We’re gonna do Boyhood numbers.”

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