The 1960s Introduced a Standalone Vietnam Title, Which Proved to Be the Most Controversial Yet
- John F Kennedy failed to hold the objective.
- The CIA identified JFK’s assassin using his KillCam immediately after his death, indicating a second gunman.
- “That asshole is a sweaty tryhard,” states Lee Harvey Oswald in audio recordings obtained by the FBI, angered by the Assist message he had received at the time of the President’s death. “First, he takes the grassy knoll. Everyone knows that’s the best place to camp. My first shot took off a chunk of his health and he swooped in and jacked my kill before Kennedy could bleed out. If you say I’m a traitor, then what is that kill stealing bastard?”
- President Johnson awarded the Distinguished Service Cross to a CIA agent and gave him the title of Big Boss for his bravery during Operation Snake Eater.
Anti-Cheat Caught Nixon Squadmates Using Wallhacks to Break Into Watergate Building
- Quote: “I am not a hacker.” — Richard Nixon
- Nixon later resigned from office after it was discovered that they had livestreamed the whole thing.
After Millions of Years of Evolution, Gamers Finally Invented Video Games in the 1980s
- Gamers finally created a medium that represented what they are in their hearts. Pong is not “bad graphics,” it’s the first-ever representation of what is real to Gamers.
- Culture Corner: Ms. Pac-Man was banned from Saturday Night Live after tearing up a picture of the pope during a live performance.
Gamers Reached Unprecedented Levels of ‘Tude in the 1990s
- Mountain Dew: Code Red introduced. This section will be a very deadpan description of the rise and fall of this soft drink, which holds such great significance to devoted Gamers to this day. It will be written in almost mythical terms, the way a lot of pop historians write glamorized versions of history.
- Gaming megastar Mario exited games and entered politics, forming the Mario Party, often criticized for its lack of organization, discernable policies, and fair star distribution.
- Science Corner: In response to an increase in clandestine Gamer activity in the United States, the government created a national Mountain Dew Advisory System: Mountain Dew (green), Mountain Dew: Voltage (blue), Mountain Dew: Sweet Lightning available exclusively at KFC (yellow), Mountain Dew: LiveWire (orange), and the most serious of all, Mountain Dew: Code Red.
- Video games finally become the most popular form of entertainment. Scholars describe this period as the golden age of books and TV “sucking shit.”
9/11 Began the Modern Trend of Americans Believing They’re on the Path to the Bad Ending
- Modern life as we know it changed forever as the events of September 11th, 2001, caused the release of Grand Theft Auto 3 to be delayed one month. What might have been…
- Dick Cheney called out enemy weapons on his map in Iraq, despite not seeing anything, so that his squadmates would follow him in an attack.
- George W Bush began the Iraq War at the behest of Dick Cheney, who had millions of dollars invested in the Call of Duty franchise.
The Earth Began Running at 60 FPS, Supposedly, in the 2020s
- In the early 2020s, geologists announced that the Earth had upgraded itself to run at a full 60 frames per second. Nobody noticed, but those nerds insisted that it had happened, and that they could see the difference and it was better and not a stupid gimmick at all. However, the extra processing did make the Earth run even hotter, accelerating global warming and requiring extremely loud cooling fans to keep the Earth operational. Scientists from top universities all over the world issued a two-word statement: worth it.
For further reading:
- President Biden Signs Executive Order to Map the A and B Buttons to Same Place on All Controllers
- Democratic Party Reveals They Thought They Were in Spectate Mode This Whole Time
- Donald Trump Reveals Presidency Actually Nuzlocke Run
- AOC Grafts Gun Onto Arm, Demands You Hear the Planet’s Cries of Pain
- Climate Scientists Warn That All Super Mario Levels Will Be Underwater by 2025
‘Elder Scrolls 6’ Was Finally Released in the Early 2100s
- After roughly a century of development, Elder Scrolls 6 was finally released for the Playstation 47, Xbox Series X One XVII, and PC. The graphics were outdated by roughly 90 years, but the game received a 10/10 from nearly every gaming outlet. It was later remastered to run on the chips embedded in all human brains, then ported to also work for sheep, dogs, cats and household birds. Animals complained about the full $70 price for each of these ports, claiming it was unfair because it was an older game and also because they were unable to fathom the concept of currency.
- Culture Corner: Online fans ridiculed the Xbox One Series X One XVII by saying it was called that because you should walk up to the console, turn XXVII degrees around, and turn it off. No one checked the math to see if the joke worked, which allowed it to quickly go ‘super viral.’
As Time Approached ∞, the Sun Won the Solar System’s Battle Royale
- Approximately 9 billion years after the Earth was created, the sun completed its expansion to engulf the Solar System. It added all of Earth’s resources to its inventory and leveled up into a Red Giant star. This star became our solar system’s final Gamer, then went on to battle Gamers all over the Universe until a final Winner was determined.
- The final Gamer roamed the Universe with no more quests to complete, no more items to collect, no more worlds to unlock. The time came to start a New Game+.
