The American Revolution Introduced Real Time Strategy to a Turn Based World
- The real talent of the revolutionaries in the newly formed United States was their ability to fight in the style of Real Time Strategy. Before the American Revolution, the British Army had only ever been exposed to Turn Based Strategy, which was far too slow and cumbersome compared to the quick and brutal combat mastered by the colonists. The British were, of course, much further along in their upgrades—their units were assigned various classes and rode mounts that gave them abilities far beyond that of the Americans—but it proved useless.
- The British Army lined up all of its soldiers in a formation, allowing each to only move one hexagonal space at a time. Against the French in the Second Hundred Years War (also known as the Hundred Years War X2 Classic Edition Remastered), the English were a terrifying force due to the French’s willingness to comply with their mechanics. The colonists, however, were more than happy to spawn wherever they pleased, and even camp out in wooded areas—which gave them an additional +5 defense advantage.
- In the time that it took a British soldier to yell “pick a God and pray,” an American soldier could show up from behind and easily eliminate him. In war, there is only permadeath.
- Don’t get us wrong, the Game was a slog—Valley Forge was a particularly brutal, unskippable cutscene—but in the end, the Heroes prevailed.
The Articles of Confederation Were America’s Disastrous Beta Engine Before Updating to the Constitution
- Following an extremely long military campaign mode, the nascent United States triumphed over the British Empire and won their independence to exit closed beta and officially open to the public. At release, the Game relied on an engine called the Articles of Confederation. This established things like menu systems, collision detection, and trade laws. Historians view this as a failed early demo of the United States of America. As the U.S. is to Microsoft’s Halo, the Articles of Confederation is to Bungie’s Marathon.
- While the Articles were somewhat successful at forming the base code for the final version of the country, it was ultimately just a collection of separate levels rather than a full cohesive game. As a result, Americans were forced to massively buff the central government. In 1787, revolutionaries drafted the United States Constitution, which became the supreme law of the United States. Since its ratification in 1788, it has been patched exactly 27 times.
- Americans held an election between their various highly leveled-up generals and decided that George Washington, once a mounted unit, should be the first to reclass into President. Since then, the United States has been an incredibly impressive offshoot game studio and has proved itself with its massive amount of Original IP, mostly shooters. However, just like any other game studio, America would soon be mired in controversies of its own.
The French Revolution Was a Battle Between Elites and Casuals
- Marie-Antoinette released the incredibly unpopular “Cake” DLC. Incidentally, this was the first record of Gamers saying the phrase “the cake is a lie.”
- The Revolution came down to a battle of the Elites vs. the Casuals. The masses wanted to play the Game of Life at the highest levels just like the Elites, but they were too burdened with poverty and work to have the time to Git Gud. The Elites hogged all the resources, used the best hardware, and took all the glory for themselves. The Casuals were forced to scrape by with shitty loot.
- Later, during the Terror, Gamers crafted the guillotine, a legendary weapon with a powerful “decapitate” ability that guaranteed a one-hit KO. The Elite Gamers complained that this weapon was OP, but the Casuals said that what was really OP was the ruling class, and this weapon served as a balancing patch.
Lewis and Clark Mapped the Louisiana Purchase by Climbing a Real Big Tower
- President Thomas Jefferson purchased the Louisiana Expansion pack for America, generating tons of new content and playable areas. Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, America’s finest co-op duo at the time, accepted the quest to first-explore this area and find appropriate campfire savepoints for future players.
- Their charting of unmapped territory, fearless braving of harsh conditions, and wanton violence towards every living animal they came across inspired the game Oregon Trail.
- “Awoke at camp to discover Lewis ascending the dreaded tower and squeezing his fingers into those damnable outcroppings,” William Clark writes in one recently unearthed passage. “One would be tempted to think the column was actually designed to be clambered up like a monkey, rather than simply entered and climbed with manly resolve. After conquering the colossal pillar, the commander then leapt like a man possessed from the belfry, unharmed, into ten feet of swamp water.”
- Main Quest Path: Although the previous statements about the expedition are usually accepted as the main quest path, the fact is that they are an alternate telling of canon. In reality, the Lewis and Clark Expedition was an escort mission completed by Sacagawea while protecting two hapless white NPCs.
Napoleon Developed an Aggressive Complex After Accidentally Putting the Height Slider Too Low When Creating His Character
- A famous French general known for his aggression, which originated from the fact that he accidentally put the “height” slider too low when making his custom character.
- Built great momentum as a tactician, but ultimately failed after pulling aggro from Russia without understanding the mechanics of snow terrain.
Andrew Jackson Became the First United States President to Attempt a Pure Evil Route
- The presidency has always had a strict morality system; many American leaders chose some good and some evil decisions while figuring out their character. Jackson, however, chose evil at every single opportunity so that he could unlock the ultimate perk: being on the 20 dollar bill.
The Industrial Revolution Introduced a Job System to Human Civilization
- Americans and Europeans are finally able to switch between Fighter, Red Mage, Bard, and most notably, Thief.
- The Industrial Revolution was the golden era of the Thief, who leveled up to stop using basic attacks like “pickpocket” and learned new advanced moves, which generated tons of gold for virtually no effort, such as “own capital” and “oppress the working class.”
- This begins the period where gamers first overclocked the Earth, raising its core temps to dangerous levels that would continue for centuries.
The American Civil War Pitted Squadmate Against Squadmate
- A brutal time in American history that saw brother pitted against brother, squadmate pitted against squadmate
- Many Southerners insist that the war is fought over Gamers Rights, but refuse to acknowledge the rights of Black Gamers who were brought to the United States against their will.
Confederate States Seceded to Keep Running Unpatched America on a Private Server After Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation Patch
- After Abraham Lincoln patches America with the Emancipation Proclamation, General Robert E. Lee leads the southern states to secede and form the Confederacy, with the goal of continuing to run the unpatched version of America on a private server.
- Famous actor John Wilkes Booth captivates audiences with his viral performance, “BOOM HEADSHOT!!!!”
Victorian Era Aristocrats Bought Paid Skins to Hide the Fact That They Don’t Bathe
- This is the very beginning of the Super Smash Bros. scene.
After Civil War, Americans Started Picking Up Resources Lying Around to Begin Recrafting America
- Reconstruction began with gathering and scrapping the remaining junk to create raw materials. These were used to rebuild American settlements.
- Despite claiming that all people are created equal at the beginning of their run, white Americans insisted that different races should have different bonuses, essentially cheating their way through the next era of loot.
The Wright Brothers’ Attempt to Build the World’s First Flight Simulator Accidentally Led to the Invention of Real Planes
- Wanting to play one of the sickest games of all time, Flight Simulator, the Wright Brothers first had to invent flights to simulate. To keep the simulator as realistic as possible for those who had the proper joysticks and equipment, the Wright Brothers had to keep the planes as similar to the game as possible.
Archduke Ferdinand Assasination Teaser Spurs Global Preorders for the First Installment in the ‘World War’ Franchise
- Based on the popularity of previous war franchises, the World War series debuted with its first installment, breaking all previous records for units sold and casualties.
‘Prohibition’ Game Mode Began 13 Years of Turmoil
- Eventually resulted in the Forza series of video games.
Popular Streamer Orson Welles Briefly Fooled the Nation Into Thinking His Playthrough of War of the Worlds Was a News Broadcast
- The authors of this article take a fervent stance against Fake News and do not endorse this act by Orson Welles, however compelled they feel to cover it.
Adolf Hitler Was Humiliated at Berlin Olympics After Germany Was Outperformed by a Very Fast Blue Hedgehog
- Nazi Germany held the 1936 Summer Olympics, one of the most controversial installments ever released by the popular game series. Chancellor Adolf Hitler hoped to use this game to prove his racist beliefs about the superiority of the Aryan race, but he was foiled when athletes of many ethnicities succeeded, most notably Jesse Owens. What history has forgotten was that a very small, extremely fast hedgehog snuck into the stadium and won a number of events as well, humiliating Hitler and stealing all of the Olympic Rings. Unfortunately, none of his results counted due to him being neither registered nor human.
A Massive Sequel to The Great War, Titled World War 2, Is Released After the Planned DLC Got Too Big
- Germany attempted a domination victory on Deity Mode, the most difficult setting, but ultimately failed.
President Truman Approved the Construction and Testing of the Blue Spiky Shell in the Desert of New Mexico
- Quote: “I am become death, destroyer of the player in first place.” — J. Robert Oppenheimer, creator of the Blue Spiky Shell.
- FDR passed the New Deal, putting millions of unemployed Americans to work in their own Harvest Moon clones.
Following WW2, the United States and the Soviet Union Collaborate on the First-Ever ‘War-as-a-Service’ Called the Cold War
- The Cold War was the first ‘war-as-a-service,’ meaning that it was just one war, but updated for years after release with frequent updates and new storylines for fans to enjoy and participate in.
- Culture Corner: American art and music entered the Fallout period.
Americans Spend the 1950s Putting Economy Points Into Infrastructure Upgrades
- By grinding out long days at work in the 1950s, Americans were able to select infrastructure upgrades like suburban homes and consumer appliances, which, while not as exciting as combat itself, proved invaluable to later quests in America’s playthrough. People also spent time adding gameplay companions to their party in the form of children, resulting in the Baby Boomer generation.
- Science Corner: Watson and Crick published their groundbreaking study about the structure of DNA, including its double helix structure and the inner nucleotide sequences of Triangles, Circles, Squares, and X’s. In different combinations, these are responsible for all Gaming, and therefore all life.
- Culture Corner: Chuck Berry wowed white and black audiences alike with his masterful five-button guitar technique.
