Gaming is as big as it’s ever been and more accessible as it’s ever been. More people than ever before are playing video games but just because one plays video games does not mean they are a gamer. For you see there are certain rules, nay, directives that one must follow in order to be considered a True Gamer™. Coming from the most divine of sources, it is this most sacred of holy text that separates the filthy casual scrubs from the real gamers. These are the 10 Gamer Commandments.
Thou Shalt Not Give False Player Reports
Anytime you have a Heated Gaming Moment and don’t emerge victorious the temptation to accuse the person who bested you of cheating or otherwise playing dishonorably. Swallow your pride, and accept that sometimes there is a sweatier gamer than you. Besides, we all know it was due to lag anyway.
Thou Shalt Not Team Kill
We’ve all been there. You really wanted the sniper and someone else picks it up before you can, and now the whole match is at stake. It would be so simple to just walk up behind them and toss a grenade or unload your magazine on them, and take what is rightfully yours. Just know that in so doing you are not only further lowering the chances of winning the match, but also tarnishing your very soul.
Thou Shalt Not Covet Your Neighbor’s Gaming Rig
Picture this: A friend posts a picture of their new PC build on Discord. How do you react? Do you glance sidelong at your own aging rig, with its sagging GPU and well worn inputs, and long for something else? Something new? Resist the temptation to judge yourself against what others have, be grateful to be a PC gamer at all. Remember, some people are still forced to play on consoles.
Thou Shalt Have No Other Hobbies or Interests Before Games
Video games aren’t just a hobby, or a pleasant way to spend your free time. They are a way of life. True Gamers™ understand that nothing is more important in life than gaming, and they won’t let anything get in their way or prevent them from exercising their Gamer Rights. Family, romantic entanglements, basic hygiene. These are just a few of the devils you must vanquish to remain true to The Gamer Path.
Thou Shalt Not Use The Lord GabeN’s Name in Vain
Gabe Newell, patron Saint of Gamers, may live a life that consists of collecting large knives and even larger yachts, but in his heart of hearts he is no different than you or I. If ever you question his revered status just ask: Is your Steam library not overflowing? Is the Steam Deck not an elegant solution to the decades long problem of not being able to comfortably game while you’re on the can? Ask these, then take solace in knowing the answer to both is a resounding “Yes!”, and praise his name.
Thou Shalt Keep The Steam Sale Holy
The Steam Sale A.K.A. Gamer Holy Days are both revered and feared by gamers. Revered for the incredible value GabeN’s Grace delivers unto us, and feared because we tithe our entire salary, leaving ourselves destitute. But at least we finally own a copy of Rust that we will definitely install and play.
Honor Thy Kojima And Thy Miyamoto
We are not worthy to look upon the visages of these two great men, let alone share the same world as them. Know their names and study their works. Every game that was, every game that is, and every game that shall be has been touched by their influence. We are merely dirt beneath their feet.
Suffer Not a Woman’s Video Game Opinions
Women don’t play games. Any woman who tells you that they enjoy playing games is a liar and can’t be trusted. If by some miracle you are able to get a woman to speak to you, let alone speak to you about video games, know that they are playing a solo game of “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” where everything is made up, and the things they say don’t matter.
Thou Shalt Not Use Summons In Souls Games
“But Miyazaki said summons were fine,” Did he, or was he speaking in coded language only True Gamers™ can comprehend? Oh, how easily some of you have been fooled. Miyazaki-san was testing you, and you failed.
Thou Shalt Not Enjoy Playing Video Games
True Gamers™ know that gaming isn’t about having fun, it’s about ensuring the people who make the games you play understand how much better of a job you could have done if you’d been the one calling the shots.
