My smarter friends often have conversations about politics, and I was never able to join them because I’ve never been able to form an opinion in my life. Fortunately I was browsing Twitch — the intellectual center of the internet — and I stumbled upon a streamer named Felper who talked about farting and pissing while barely reacting to a video. Then something wonderful happened: This dipshit started sharing his political views. Finally, I had a take and it happened to be from some sweaty nerd who’s never worked a real job just like me.
It’s taken so long for me to develop a personality from all the media I consume, I was happy to get a shortcut in this other aspect of my being with Felper. Now when anyone mentions a movie with a POC or LGBT actor I can call it woke and consistently defend my intellectual thesis. That’s what Felper does when he debates other homunculi on stream. All I have to do is copy what he says verbatim.
Do I know who the vice president is? No and I don’t have to because Felper does sort of. He forgets it a lot, but he remembers she’s Puerto Rican or something. Owning cucks and betas is also very important.
I remember when the Amber Heard trial was happening, thank goodness Felper was there to guide me through the complex legal proceedings with tact and dignity. I’m fairly sure he didn’t attend any law school, but he spoke confidently and loudly so I knew I could trust him and take all of his opinions for my own.
I can’t wait for election season to get in full swing so Felper can pour his takes right into my ear and I can unload them onto my unsuspecting friends who wonder why they still hang out with me, over Discord of course.
I’m so glad to have found Felper. Now not only do I have opinions, but I also have an endless supply of pre-thought-out talking points to spout off in other people’s Twitter mentions. My lack of a life gives me so much time to regurgitate what Felper says I know it won’t be long before we cure the woke mind virus that’s ruining video games.
