New York City – Old Man O’Malley fraud case had a shocking twist today, according to reports, when star witness Scooby Doo’s testimony has been deemed inadmissible.
“He’s a dog,” declared Judge Hammond. “Oh, you want me to elaborate on that? Sure. He’s a dog and thus can’t give testimony. This isn’t one of those Air Bud things where there’s nothing in the rules that says a dog can’t give testimony during a court case. This argument isn’t helped by the fact he was brought into this courtroom by a giggling hippie stinking of patchouli and Thin Mintz Kush who proceeded to call me dude while eating a four foot tall sandwich.”
The case against Old Man O’Malley relies upon the detective work of four local teens and their dog, according to the prosecution. Defense lawyer, Sally Cisco, argues the whole thing is farce.
“It’s absurd,” she said to reporters outside the courtroom. “This case hinges on the idea that my client, Old Man O’Malley, would dress up as a radioactive yeti ghost to scare away potential customers to his own business because he found oil beneath the property and wanted to mine it himself. The idea that the meddling of these kids unearthed this outlandish plot is laughable and the prosecution’s star witness being a dog makes it all the worse.”
Judge Hammond’s ruling will affect many other cases that involved the detective work of the four unlicensed teenagers and their great dane.
“We’ve been fielding calls all night,” said Andy Hewitt of the Innocence Project. “So many potentially innocent people have been locked up based on testimony from Scooby Doo and occasionally his nephew, Scrappy Doo, a smaller dog with an admittedly larger vocabulary. The Innocence Project has helped many innocent people go free and we’ll work tirelessly to assess the innocence of Redbeard’s Ghost, No-Face Zombie, and The Creeper.”
Scooby Doo could not be reached for comment but his spokesperson Velma Dinkley released a statement that read, “Jinkies!” while urging everyone to not watch that horrible Velma show.
