NEW YORK — Spider-Man was overheard delivering a lighthearted wisecrack to a bloody, mangled corpse, after the target of his jest reportedly jumped a subway turnstile, the Daily Bugle has confirmed.
“He was very apologetic, saying he was late for his daughter’s piano recital,” said the NYPD officer who last spoke to the victim, who could only be identified by DNA. “I was fine with giving him a warning, but right as he emerged at 42nd and Bryant Park he was abducted, thrown 20 feet into the air, and slammed down, back first, into a fire hydrant.”
Witnesses claim the red menace also wrapped the victim in a sticky, web-like substance, carried him to the top of the New York Public Library, and dangled him over the edge demanding the $2.90 it would’ve cost for the subway trip.
“Look, I’m all for supporting public transportation,” said Alice Denver, a local student who was studying at the time of the incident. “But Spidey may have gone a little too far this time. As a lifelong New Yorker, I’ve seen my fair share of grotesque scenes on the street, but the audacity to throw a humorless jab at a pile of bones and flesh is deplorable. That guy’s not my friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.”
The border-line public execution, caught on several bystanders’ cell phones, ended with an ill-advised quip from Spider-Man that has since gone viral on social media.
“This guy’s the worst thing to happen to Subway since Jared!” Spider-Man heroically proclaimed to groans from passersby. “Uh, I mean, maybe next time he’ll take the bus. Life isn’t ‘fare’? C’mon, guys, give me something. This crowd is more dead than the guy I just killed.”
At press time, Spider-Man was still workshopping roasts as a crowd gathered to remember the victim at a candlelight vigil.
