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‘Super Mario Bros. Wonder’ Players Saddened by Way Goombas Plead for Life With Dying Breath

Many players that spent the weekend playing Super Mario Bros. Wonder were saddened with the newfound sense of mortality the goombas seem to possess for the first time in the franchise’s history, sources have confirmed. 

“I wish the Goombas wouldn’t yell out the name of their wife and kids right before I squished them,” said local gamer Moe Reilly. “It really gives the thing a weight I’m not really looking for in a classic-style Mario game. One second I’m the cutest elephant you’ve ever seen, splashing water around and collecting coins, and the next I’m watching goombas mourn and plead with koopa trooopas to help them dig a grave for their deceased family member. Not a huge fan of that. Don’t get me wrong, I like a lot of the new stuff they added, but the goomba thing is a little far.” 

Developers of Super Mario Bros. Wonder said they’d always wished they could imbue the Mario games’ disposable villains with a bit more personality and backstory. 

“We’ve been wanting to tell the story of the entire Mushroom Kingdom for a while now,” said Takashi Tezuka, a producer that worked on both Wonder and 1985’s Super Mario Bros. “But obviously the limitations of the NES and SNES kept us from really commenting on the morality that goes with slaughtering hundreds to save your one true love. Once we saw modern games start to experiment with the weight of your actions and things of that nature, we knew it was time to start having the goombas release death rattles.”

Kevin Afghani, the new voice of Mario, said it was a time of many changes to the franchise. 

“I know it’s tough to get used to new things,” said the actor that replaced Charles Martinet, who’d voiced the role since 1994 before moving on earlier this year. “So, there’s a new Mario, more dialogue throughout the whole game, some new suits, and now when you replay levels sometimes you will see little gravestones where you stomped on a goomba, and there will be flowers there, and other goombas mourning their lost loved one.” 

“You can squish them too,” he added. “It’s great!”