LONDON — Tragedy has struck Rocksteady Studios after half of their QA department were killed by the Suicide Squad under orders from WB higher ups.
“We know that it’s not the outcome anyone wanted but it’s what had to be done,” said WB spokesperson Janet Beasly. “This decision wasn’t made lightly. It’s never easy to have to send in the Suicide Squad to kill employees but it is our duty to protect the best interest of the shareholders. If that means a few slaughtered workers then so be it. If they had wanted to live they would have made sure their game met our outrageously unrealistic expectations. They knew the risks.”
Rocksteady studio head Marcus Bernard gave his own statement on the development, claiming to be shocked by the event.
“This is never what you want for your studio. We were proud of the game we made, we followed every directive that WB gave to us even when we disagreed or felt like we should be working on something else but we think that we did the best job we possibly could given the circumstances. Unfortunately that wasn’t good enough and WB told us that drastic measures must be taken to rectify their losses. They demanded we choose a department to gut. Literally. It’s never an easy decision but if anyone was going to get killed by the Suicide Squad over this it had to be the QA department. It sure as hell wasn’t going to be, none of this is my fault, I’m just in charge. Had to be them, easily replaced.”
WB CEO David Zaslav weighed in on the decision to send in the Suicide Squad.
“At the end of the day I run a business. We make content and when that content doesn’t make enough money for me or the shareholders then you have to do something. You can’t just let something be a financial loss. Frankly I blame myself because I should have canceled that game for a tax write-off before it was ever released but I didn’t even know we made video games until last week when the numbers came in. As CEO of this company it’s my duty as the one in charge of everything to send the Suicide Squad to kill whoever is responsible for this company not performing well.”
At press time, David Zaslav is reportedly planning on implanting all WB employees with bombs in their head in the event his decision making leads to them making another flop.
