NEW YORK — A startling new scientific study has concluded that playing around with the physical attributes of the character creator in video games causes the soon-to-be protagonists unspeakable pain.
“It makes sense when you think about it,” said Hillary Finn, a scientist who lead the extensive study. “Imagine you’re standing there and one minute you’re four-foot-nine and the next you’re seven-foot-six. It would fuck you all up! To say nothing of throwing on different amounts of fat and muscle. The human body just simply wasn’t meant to endure these types of changes in such a rapid timeframe. I guess the most surprising thing is that the people inside our video games feel anything at all, you know?”
The study also revealed that it wasn’t just physical pain a custom character could experience, but emotional pain as well.
“We wanted to test the ‘Import Face’ function to see if there was any change in the pain readings, so we all uploaded our faces onto a character to get a nice sample size,” explained participating researcher Daniel Stimpleton. “Everyone else’s readings were in the normal ranges, but for some reason mine were through the roof. For a while, we couldn’t figure out the difference between us all, but then we remembered that I am much less attractive than my colleagues, a topic that has come up often. We came to the conclusion that being cursed with my unfortunate features was simply too much for my character to bear. Which is a pain, of course, I am very familiar with.”
Gamers said that this might in fact alter their character creation process going forward.
“Wait, they can feel that shit?” asked Chuckie Rose, a local gamer. “Wow, that is so professional and stoic of them not to react in any way. First of all, I didn’t realize the little people inside my video games were alive. That’s crazy. Second of all, I would think, if anything, that there wasn’t a soul or whatever beamed into them until I had fully picked out their clothes and a name and all of that. But it’s right at the top, huh? Man, that’s really something. I guess I’ll use the sliders less from now on, in that case.”
As of press time, the report also confirmed that the wrestler you created in Nintendo 64’s WrestleMania 2000 was very much alive, and has been wondering where you were for the last 20 years.
