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Todd Howard Seen Personally Responding to Every Starfield Review With Link to Steam Award

ROCKVILLE, Md. — Employees of Bethesda Game Studios witnessed long-time game director Todd Howard personally responding to every negative review of Starfield, linking the game’s “Most Innovative Gameplay” win at the Steam Awards Tuesday evening.

“I was about to leave for the day when I noticed the soft glow of a monitor coming from Todd’s office,” said Starfield developer Erin Brown. “I thought it was odd that someone might still be in, especially Todd, but then I remembered that Steam announced their game awards this evening and my stomach dropped.

“I was shocked to find out that we won an award for innovative gameplay, but Todd really seemed to be spurred by this news — aroused, even.”

One of Bethesda’s custodial staff, Ed Thompson, witnessed the unusual activity firsthand, having walked in on Howard with his hands moving furiously across an old light-up gaming keyboard.

“I knew Starfield won an award as soon as I walked in — he just started raving at me about ‘losers, deniers, sinners, and fools,’ or something like that with his eyes all bloodshot. I was just trying to get at the wastebasket under his desk since it was filled with way more candy wrappers than usual.

“Mostly I was surprised that Starfield won anything at all, since it was competing with other AAA games that came out this year. Plus, Todd once ate a sandwich with my name on it in the breakroom, muttering ‘This is what they asked for’ over and over. Who does that?”

Howard’s executive assistant, John Paige, offered input on the situation, speaking loudly over the sound of frantic keystrokes coming from Howard’s executive suite.

“He’s been like this forever, really,” said Paige. “I’m sure he’s just overseeing further Starfield development and strategizing our next big release — you know Mr. Howard used to be on the chess team, right? This is nothing you won’t see from any other successful game director. Just ask Phil Spencer, who has been great to work with! Anyway, look over there! A new teaser for the next Elder Scrolls game!”

Disappointed Starfield players were surprised to find that just a single impassioned user had left responses to all of their negative reviews, referring to the somewhat well-known but mostly novel Steam Awards listings.

“I got a notification that someone had just responded to my review of Starfield,” said gamer Tom Slattery, “but what I didn’t expect was that Todd Howard himself would respond to my article personally. I’m touched, frankly, but why couldn’t he have responded to my Skryim review? I loved that game.

“All I said about Starfield was that it was somewhat boring — not a bad game, but not a great game, you know? Like it’s a solid 7 out of 10, with room for improvement. I didn’t expect Todd to berate me and my family above a link to a Google Street View of my house. He also added a link to the ‘Most Innovative Gameplay’ award on Steam, which I suppose could mean something to someone.”

At the time of publication, Howard was reportedly seen red-faced and clenching his jaw, painting the words “I GOT THE LAST LAUGH” on his street-facing office windows.

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